After my trip to Spain I can safely say I'm now a member of the mile
high club.
On a short trip from one town to another, I hot boxed the tram.

My wife keeps reminding me that her mother "lives just around the corner"
And that she's not "Round the bend"

Is it possible to be at the start or in the middle? Or do you always go straight to the end of a tether?

Give a Nigerian a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to phish and he will eat for the rest of his life.

Circular logic works because Circular logic works.

Good things come to those who wait.
Unless you worked in a restaurant in the Twin Towers.

What's a coat? You've pulled a Geordie.

I split up with my wife today after I caught her using my drinking utensils.
It was the final straw.

Martin Luthor King: "I had a dream"
To much cheese before you went to bed Martin?

What came first the chicken on the egg?
Well it's obviously the egg. When have you ever had chicken for breakfast?

The chief executive of NASA had his wallet stolen near my market stall in the East End of London today.
I gave him 20 to stick in his sky rocket.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.

I was at school today and I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open, never mind concentrate on any of my work. Luckily though I got a second wind after lunch.
Unfortunately it never turned out to be a 'second wind' and I'm now sitting in an old pair of joggers from lost property.

Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.

My grandad was telling me about the war today when he said "it was a fight to the finish"
"unlike all those other wars that were fought until the middle?" i replied.

I'm buying my wife a new treadmill soon.
She already has one but she's run it into the ground.

They say "fortune favours the brave."
That's why I always buy my lottery ticket dressed as an Apache.

My wife wanted me to do all the washing, but I couldn't understand the instructions on the machine.
In the end I just threw the towel in.

Dogs are for life not just for Christmas..?
Someone should have told Peter Andre

Next time you see a pretty girl late at night and you don't know whether to approach them or not - why not take a stab in the dark?
They struggle less when they're wounded!

My girlfriend of two years dumped me yesterday, said I had too many paranoias and it was strangling the relationship, I was all too often scared to go to the shop and perform menial tasks.
My mate tried to console me, told me there were plenty more fish in the sea.
No good to me, I have a fear of seafood.

Shanghai's coaching staff were seen trying to get Didier Drogba to perform a rainbow flick today...
Turns out you just can't teach an old drog new tricks.

I joined The Pessimists Society.
Where we agree to disagree.

How does the rabbit get inside the headlight in the first place?!

For those people who say "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone".
See a Doctor, you'll live longer.