I joined The Pessimists Society.
Where we agree to disagree.

Shanghai's coaching staff were seen trying to get Didier Drogba to perform a rainbow flick today...
Turns out you just can't teach an old drog new tricks.

My girlfriend of two years dumped me yesterday, said I had too many paranoias and it was strangling the relationship, I was all too often scared to go to the shop and perform menial tasks.
My mate tried to console me, told me there were plenty more fish in the sea.
No good to me, I have a fear of seafood.

Next time you see a pretty girl late at night and you don't know whether to approach them or not - why not take a stab in the dark?
They struggle less when they're wounded!

Dogs are for life not just for Christmas..?
Someone should have told Peter Andre

I'm looking forward to this evening.
I have no choice, given that it hasn't happened yet.

When one door closes another one opens...
I'm sure this house is haunted

For want of a better word I do not have the vocabulary to complete this sentence.

My mate owes me money, and said smugly, "You can't get blood from a stone".
So I beat him over the head with one.

I realized the ball was in my court, so I decided to sit down and have a think about it.
That's when I got thrown out of Wimbledon.

Me and my girlfriend spend most of our time together sharing selection boxes of chocolates.
But it's not all roses.

Mr grandad used to say "Never look a gift horse in the mouth"
Which is probably why my pony died from gum disease.

My mum always told me "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family".
"Especially out of police line-ups".

My motto is: "Always be yourself and never someone else." Strange that I never made it as an actor though.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is a man's best friend.
Unlucky, ladies - I know which one I'd prefer to slip on my finger.

When I was young my father taught me to swim by throwing me in at the deep end of our pool ..
.. and then slowly filling it with water.

You can avoid almost any profession if you know which fruit to use. A lychee a day, for example, keeps the plumber away.

Are you Omniscient?
Did you have to look that word up?
Then no, you're not.

My other half was always having a go at me for getting sayings wrong. Now whenever she starts I just pretend I'm as deaf as a Dodo.

My Dad used to say, "I'm a big shot. When I talk, people listen"
At least I think that's what he said. I wasn't really listening.

They say that behind every successful man there's a women. As Britain's most successful rapist, I have to agree.

People who say "Things can only get better" when stuff is bad have obviously never had the misfortune of hearing Radio One Xtra.

I tend to agree with my wife's gut instinct.
It's a big enough gut, so she's usually right.

They say that no news is good news.
Which means I've got a ton of job interviews lined up.

'Pride cometh before the fall'
It's usually ten pints and a kebab does it to me.