Me and my girlfriend spend most of our time together sharing selection boxes of chocolates.
But it's not all roses.

I realized the ball was in my court, so I decided to sit down and have a think about it.
That's when I got thrown out of Wimbledon.

My mate owes me money, and said smugly, "You can't get blood from a stone".
So I beat him over the head with one.

For want of a better word I do not have the vocabulary to complete this sentence.

When one door closes another one opens...
I'm sure this house is haunted

I tried to teach my grandmother to suck eggs...
Which is why I'm banned from the fertility clinic.

I unveiled my invention on Dragons Den last night to some puzzled looks.
"This is my un-manned, all terrain army vehicle that's ten years in the making and cost me one million pounds to develop."
Deborah Meaden said, "It will never work, it looks ridiculous, and why is it in the shape of a brain?"
"It's a think tank." I replied.

Sentences.
It's the ones that can't write them, who serve them.

I got stabbed yesterday because I wouldn't give the mugger my watch.
The policeman asked me "why didn't you just hand it over to him?"....
I replied "I'd never give a black person the time of day!"

I thought I'd treat my wife to some chocolates and flowers today.
But I don't like her, so never bothered.
They do say, It's the thought that counts.

I was struggling to spell Anders Breivik but then I remembered that rhyme...
I before E unless you've done a killing spree.

I rule my house with an iron fist.
Ever since they fitted me with a prosthetic.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

My Uncle always told me the secret to a happy life was to eat like a King and make love like a Queen...of course that was before aids came into the picture.

Two hippy girls talking and one asks "Have you ever gone cold turkey?"
The other one replies, "No, but once I got desperate and used a chicken leg"

I asked a woman the other day 'what do you do for a job?'
she said 'I'm a 'stay at home wife''
I said 'that's not a job...that's any good husband's advice.'

Last night I said to my mate,"My wife wants to be double penetrated but lets keep it between you and me."

I found it hard following my father's footsteps.
He's got really big prints and my wheel chair keeps getting stuck in the mud.

I've been writing an essay on the origins of euphemistic language.
Apparently 'how's your father' originated from the Vatican City.

Me and my sister were having an argument this morning in the kitchen. Our mom walked in and said: "Looks like you guys woke up on the wrong side of the bed."
How does she know what me and my sister did last night?

I always remember what my mum used to say to me; "Don't pick that up; you don't know where its been." It always sticks in my mind when I walk into a singles bar.

I've just solved the age old problem of what to buy someone who has everything.
Nothing.

I was in Asda this afternoon, and picked up a copy of The Complete Fast Show on DVD for a tenner.
Which was nice.

I have a teenage lad who works for me, he just phoned up and said that he is sick.
I'm not sure if he's not coming in tonight or just big-headed.

I've just heard a new song called Lead, by Example.