My Uncle always told me the secret to a happy life was to eat like a King and make love like a Queen...of course that was before aids came into the picture.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

I rule my house with an iron fist.
Ever since they fitted me with a prosthetic.

I was struggling to spell Anders Breivik but then I remembered that rhyme...
I before E unless you've done a killing spree.

I thought I'd treat my wife to some chocolates and flowers today.
But I don't like her, so never bothered.
They do say, It's the thought that counts.

I got stabbed yesterday because I wouldn't give the mugger my watch.
The policeman asked me "why didn't you just hand it over to him?"....
I replied "I'd never give a black person the time of day!"

Sentences.
It's the ones that can't write them, who serve them.

I unveiled my invention on Dragons Den last night to some puzzled looks.
"This is my un-manned, all terrain army vehicle that's ten years in the making and cost me one million pounds to develop."
Deborah Meaden said, "It will never work, it looks ridiculous, and why is it in the shape of a brain?"
"It's a think tank." I replied.

Since when did bull faeces become so untrustworthy?

I take everything with a grain of salt. Not because I'm skeptic, I just have a severe sodium addiction.

is it me or do the people of norfolk take the saying 'keep it in the family' to seriously.

"See a penny and pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck",
Said the Jew.

I've got a kitchen sink for sale, 50.
Would suit anyone who has everything.

The wife and I just watched Hamlet at the local theatre and the stage was lined with pages from the dictionary.
I thought, "That was a lovely play on words."

Slow and steady wins the race.. Unless your in a fire.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I've been making a perfume laced with methamphetamine.
Speed is of the essence.

Visited a fortune teller yesterday and it really didnt go too well.
Got chased down the road with her screaming after me.
Could have sworn she said Cross my palm with saliva.

Apparently you can't have your cake and eat it too.
Try telling that to an American...

Who coined the term....coined the term?

I love the old saying:
"Black sky at night - It's night
Black sky in the morning - I've woken up at night again"

'A little knowledge is dangerous thing'.
Explains why so many taxi drivers turn out to be murderers and rapists.

Typical necrophilliacs.
Always digging up the past.

Last month was the worst ever for my pogo stick business.
Hope we can bounce back this month.

I just smashed my geography teachers antique globe and she started crying.
Apparently, it was her whole world.