They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,
but my hand on your birds bush is worth two black eyes.

Why do people say stuff is 'the best thing since sliced bread'?
There are plenty things better, and it wouldn't kill us if we had to slice it ourselves would it?

I keep losing my Tom-Tom,which leaves me wondering...

Since I moved to London a couple of weeks ago I've been living life in the fast lane.
It's one he'll of a traffic jam.

I've just wrecked myself. I wish I'd checked myself beforehand.

Today cops found all the stolen organs at my work but were still missing a heart.
I finally gave up and said,''Home...Is where the heart is.''

"the worst way to stop a bullet is with your head"
-Abraham Lincon

I'm absolutely gutted. My wife just left me. She took everything exept a few cadburys chocolate biscuits...on the other hand I've more fingers

I often hear people say "if I was in their position I probably would have done the same thing".
Which brings me to an interesting question: If I were an undertaker...

They say if you hang around them for long enough, they will eventually be your friend.
Imagine my surprise when the restraining order came through.

My mate has just changed his name to 'Blackpool'.
He's got some front that lad.

Last night my Amish mate went,''My back is killing me,do you have any advice?''
I went,''Mate you made your own bed,you sleep in it.''

I have a kinky fetish for weather conditions.
Blowing a gale outside.

My mate said "all cleaners are thick slags."
'Bit of a sweeping statement' I thought.

You know what they say: You can take the man out of Manchester... but then it would be called Chester.... Which could be very misleading.

It's true when people say, "You don't know what you've got till it's gone."
I had a life before I got married, now it's gone.

'A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.'
Well I'm missing one so how will this play out...

I was standing with my soon to be ex wife when my lawyer handed me our divorce papers and I asked. " is that it done then?"
"No." He replied. " It's not over 'til the fat lady signs."

EA Sports, its in the game session no longer available

I was on cloud nine when I thought...
I really should give my sheep better names.

I always eat lots of fruit to stay healthy but I don't like apples and pears.
That's why I eat oranges in my ground floor flat.

I've been promising my bosses at top shop a new range of leg garments that would turn over millions, but after failing to finish the product in the 2 month deadline set, they finally fired me, guess I was all talk, no trousers.

The first man to say 'a Dog is a man's best friend', probably had no friends.

My wife is down in the dumps tonight.
I would have taken the rubbish down there myself but the darts is on.

I've just heard that B&Q are going to buy out a now defunct arts and crafts shop.
That'll be a spanner in the works.