From time to time I like to bend my wife over in front of me and take her from behind, but she rarely agrees to it.
Sometimes I just need to twist her arm into it.

Two rites do make a wrong where bigamy is concerned.

Went to Mars on holiday last week and painted the town red.
Couldn't find it again after that.

I just smashed my geography teachers antique globe and she started crying.
Apparently, it was her whole world.

'A little knowledge is dangerous thing'.
Explains why so many taxi drivers turn out to be murderers and rapists.

Typical necrophilliacs.
Always digging up the past.

Last month was the worst ever for my pogo stick business.
Hope we can bounce back this month.

The phrase it's as easy as taking candy from a baby is not true as there's normally parents there to stop you
So let's just change It to it's as easy as taking a child from a hotel room in Portugal

I went to a seminar about building temporary roads.
Made my own way home

Angular momentum makes my world go 'round.

"If I don't laugh I'll cry!"
Thank you, whoever penned that little gem, got me through my mother-in-laws funeral.

There is a crazed, murderous doctor on the loose.
I'm eating an apple a day.

Breaking News -
'Over 100 Die In Kenyan Pipeline Explosion'
A full report is in the, erm, pipeline...

If you can make just one person's day a little brighter... you're probably not a very good electrician.

They used to say that great story telling was to start at the end.
Once upon a time.

Sticks and stones may break my bones.
So, please don't hit me with sticks and stones.

30 days in September, April, June and November.
No it's not. It's 120.

When horses get really hungry do they try and keep their distance from each other?

"Beauty is only skin deep!"....
One of the many reasons not to get with a wog.

What shape does a pear go when it all goes wrong?

Put your money where your mouth is?
I'll stick to my wallet, mate.

Women around the world are waking up to the dangers of Rohypnol.

My friend said that you should always judge a man by the contents of his heart, not by the colour of his skin.
It still ended up with the same result though; me cutting up lots of black people.

A wise man once said, "What's for you will never go past you."
He obviously didn't travel with Firstbus, then.

Vanity is a sin.
Whoever invented vanity should take a good look in the mirror.