They used to say that great story telling was to start at the end.
Once upon a time.

If you can make just one person's day a little brighter... you're probably not a very good electrician.

Breaking News -
'Over 100 Die In Kenyan Pipeline Explosion'
A full report is in the, erm, pipeline...

There is a crazed, murderous doctor on the loose.
I'm eating an apple a day.

"If I don't laugh I'll cry!"
Thank you, whoever penned that little gem, got me through my mother-in-laws funeral.

Angular momentum makes my world go 'round.

I went to a seminar about building temporary roads.
Made my own way home

The Curiosity Rover has just found a toilet with the seat up, proving once and for all that men ARE actually from Mars.

So far I've hit an old lady, a young boy that was making a sand castle and a fit blonde that was sunbathing.
I live just a stones throw from the beach.

My neighbour thinks he's so great, I decided to demolish his washing line.
That knocked him down a peg or two.

My wife said she was thinking of taking up art lessons.
I said,"You'd be good at that."
She seemed surprised by my support and said," Really?"
I said," Yeah, you're good at drawing the wrong conclusion."

Wouldn't it be more appropriate if the saying "American as apple pie" was updated to "American as obesity"?

Free advice is usually wrong but don't take my word for it.

Live each day like it's your last...
Eventually you'll get it right.

My mate asked me today to tell him something short and constructive.
So I replied Bob the Builder.

Can't believe how many suicide bombers there are these days.
They're all over the place.

"It's all smoke and mirrors ..."
I thought, after my budgie's cage caught fire.

Cocaine, God's way of telling you that you earn too much

People have always told me I'd end up working in Tesco & I must have believed it, 'cos now I do.
My mate says it's a shelf-for-filling prophecy.

My old Grandma always used to say, "There's no fool like an old fool."
I have to disagree, I've always prefered one that's still within it's use by date.

I took part in a worst manicure contest last night.
The finish was nail biting.

They say savour the small things in life.
Could someone tell my wife that?

"If you can't beat them. Join Them"
This statement always rings true.
For instance, you never see a man in the kitchen.
Because a man can always beat a woman.

They say no pain no gain... Didn't work when my Uncle lost his leg...

They say 'no news is good news.'
Not if you want to watch the News.