Whoever said "Behind every great man is a great woman" has obviously never seen the trailer for Human Centipede.

'Best thing since sliced bread'
As opposed to when people would jus ram a full loaf in their mouth....

Every time I go round to visit my elderly Grandma I've been noticing that she finds it increasingly difficult to get up the stairs.
Probably because I've been taking one step at a time.

My teenage son is on his 'Gap year'.
He was too thick to get into college, so he's working in the clothes store at the shopping centre.

Another man's Joke Is Another man's Status

Money talks...
Thought the Schizophrenic.

Its not true what they say.
Some problems do go away if you just ignore them.
Like my wife.

When I was growing up my parents were great fans of metaphors and sayings.
Times have changed, Maybe they need some adjusting.
Too many cooks make t.v shows
A problem shared is a facebook update
More haste less speed earns a poor wage on piece-work
The MP5 is mightier than the pen and the sword
The best things in life are on credit
Beauty is in the eye of the air-brusher
Don't judge an Ebook by it's price
The concrete isn't always harder on the other side of the wall
Accidents will happen. Call our lawyers on 0181 700 300
Ask me no questions, I'm texting
A cat has 9 lives, Unless thrown from a tower block
A swallow doesn't make a summer but makes for a good night out
Every rose has it's thorn unless it's genetically modified
Fools rush in where X Factor auditions are held
Give someone an inch and they'll need a conversion chart
Half a loaf is better than none but it will cost you the same due to packaging
He who hesitates misses a kill streak
Ignorance is common
No use crying over spilt pasteurized, hydrogenated lactose free milk
No smoke without fire unless it's smokeless fuel
Once bitten the animal will be shot
Opportunity seldom knocks twice unless it's for double glazing
Sticks and stones may break your bones but names will see you in court for racial abuse
When in Rome shout loudly in English
Where there's a will you might get a few quid
You scratch my back I'll talk behind yours
What the eye doesn't see...Sky+

My friend started throwing other people's bags around in the lobby
I said 'why you doing that?'
he replied 'because other people do it.'
It was at that point I whipped out the cliche, and said, 'if those people jumped off a cliff, would you?' thinking he had no response.
Alas, he replied with a grin on his face, 'yeah- my fall would be padded from all of the others on the ground!'

give a man a fish and he will eat for a day
give a man my wife for the night and he will smell like one forever

I'm trying to figure out why my car is defying the laws of gravity.
It's really driving me up the wall.

I hate it when people make up random sayings to sound interesting and different, I mean whats the point?
Might as well chuck a donkey on the bonfire!

I'm more confused than a cow on astroturf

"Home is where the heart is"
The police then took me back to my cell as the murder investigators went to my house.

I went on a date tonight, she turned up well over dressed.
Clothes on.

I was learning about gravity the other day.
It's very down to Earth.

A nagging wife is like a dripping tap...
Until the plumber comes round and fixes it.

Just seen a fight between an Auctioneer and a Hairdresser..
They were going at each hammer and tongs.

My mum says I need to tackle my Gephyrophobia.
I told her I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Parents should dress their kids more sensibly for Halloween. It was too late to see, when I knocked over this lad dressed as the grim reaper. I managed to drag his crumpled body in front of the fire and rang the emergency services.. 'What's he looking like?' asked the switchboard ...
'I'm no expert but probably Death warmed up'

If tomorrow turns out anything like today.
It will gradually get darker towards evening.

I ran over a pheasant on the way to work the other day, cut it right down the middle. It wasn't sport, but it's definitely a game of two halves.

"When God closes a door, he opens a window."
Clearly, God doesn't plan on holidaying in Portugal.

I used to love playing Hide and go Seek with my watch, but I just can't seem to find the time anymore.

Fool me once, shame on me...
Fool me twice, shame on me...
Fool me 3 times... Yeah, this alzheimers is worse then I first thought.