"Home is where the heart is"
The police then took me back to my cell as the murder investigators went to my house.

My death metal band 'Abuk' got sued the other day. Apparently you have to pay royalties when you record a version of a copyrighted song.
In my defence, i told the court not to judge Abuk by its cover.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me a painting for my newspaper.

My girlfriend told me she's joined a theatre group just for blondes.
Fair play to her.

An alcoholic is someone whom you dislike that drinks as much as you do.

My wife is leaving me because she says i over complicate everything I say.
Well its safe to say I am a rabbit of negative euphoria.

Sliced bread.
The best thing since chopped up mammoth.

I often go out with a list of insults written on my sleeve.
I'm never stuck for an off the cuff remark

Just met up with a thirty something girl from a dating website. Turns out it's stone.

I just had to shut down my new restaurant 'The Broth'.
I hired too many cooks and it spoilt it.

Once you go Asian, you get disappointed and return to Caucasian.

"Here's looking at you kid"
Which is why I'm now in jail for paedophillia.

My pompous neighbour once said "War is never the answer"
So I asked him "What is a state of armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state?"

When In Rome....
....Rape the Pope to restore balance.

"Fortune favours the bold..."
Said the inventors of the first washing powder.

I was telling my dad that it's easy to steal washing off the neighbours line.
He said, "I know son, Been there, done that, got the t-shirt."

I've just treated my wife to a new vibrator.
I'm going soft in my old age.

Don't teach your Grandma to suck eggs,
you don't get the same pleasure.

You could hear a pin drop in my house this morning when the wife found out I'd been having an affair.
Pity I didn't see the grenade that she'd just pulled it from.

What goes around comes around.
I found this out when I threw up on the Waltzers.

The Kettle said to the Pot
"Is it because I is black?"

My nan always warned I should be "wary of all men because they only want one thing."
Even though I've been married for over a year, I still can't get the image of grandad holding a remote control out of my head.

My wife walked into the bedroom in a nurses outfit and whispered, "Tonight you can do whatever you want."
"Wow, I feel like a kid in a candy shop," I said
"Sounds like someone's happy..."
"With diabetes."

The Devil Makes Work For Idle Hands.
He'll have his work cut out if her ever visits Liverpool then.

Ladies:
Arrive alive. Don't nag your husband whilst he's driving.