I've just treated my wife to a new vibrator.
I'm going soft in my old age.

I was telling my dad that it's easy to steal washing off the neighbours line.
He said, "I know son, Been there, done that, got the t-shirt."

When In Rome....
....Rape the Pope to restore balance.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but guns are more effective.

I'm not a poet,
And I know that...

"There's still life in the old dog yet."
I said dumping my neighbours crippled, half conscious dog on their porch after hitting it with my car.

I'm finally going to see that new Justin Timberlake film.
It's about time.

I brought a giant ladle with a picture of the union jack on it into the Indian restaurant where I work.
It caused quite a stir.

The pen is mightier than the sword...
... as Joe Pesci comprehensively proved in Casino.

Shouldn't have cut the opening 3 subjects from my film: 'Best Acronyms: A-Z'. It's gone straight to DVD.

Who's Billy and why does he have no mates?

A problem shared is a problem halved.
Unless you tell a woman.

I sold a schoolboy a pencil case, protractor and a fountain pen on eBay today.
I threw in a ruler for good measure.

An obnoxious American told me how proud he was to be living in a free country.
I told him you get what you pay for.

First thing's first. As opposed to when, exactly?

They say that "Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once"...
Which is why both my kids have genetic disorders.

I've just come back from america, similar to here but its the little differences that make it interesting. They say color, we say colour; they use z's where s's should be; the pavement is called a sidewalk; pancakes are apparently for breakfast and 'save' means 'blow up with grenades'.

I slept like a baby last night.
To be honest, I am only 2

Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

I hear the secret to a good joke is perfect timing.
00:09

Confucius say: "Woman who sit on judge's lap get honourable discharge"

I'm as honest as the day is long.....
...in Iceland....
...at Christmas.

My deaf mute brother went on a rampage in a supermarket today,killing 13.
Its always the quiet ones.

There's two sides to every story.
MINE... and the truth.

'Love thy neighbour as thyself.'
Which is why I feel the need to allow my neighbours to listen to my music when I do.