I was telling my dad that it's easy to steal washing off the neighbours line.
He said, "I know son, Been there, done that, got the t-shirt."

When In Rome....
....Rape the Pope to restore balance.

They say that "Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once"...
Which is why both my kids have genetic disorders.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but guns are more effective.

"Fortune favours the bold..."
Said the inventors of the first washing powder.

First thing's first. As opposed to when, exactly?

An obnoxious American told me how proud he was to be living in a free country.
I told him you get what you pay for.

I sold a schoolboy a pencil case, protractor and a fountain pen on eBay today.
I threw in a ruler for good measure.

A problem shared is a problem halved.
Unless you tell a woman.

Who's Billy and why does he have no mates?

I've just come back from america, similar to here but its the little differences that make it interesting. They say color, we say colour; they use z's where s's should be; the pavement is called a sidewalk; pancakes are apparently for breakfast and 'save' means 'blow up with grenades'.

Shouldn't have cut the opening 3 subjects from my film: 'Best Acronyms: A-Z'. It's gone straight to DVD.

The pen is mightier than the sword...
... as Joe Pesci comprehensively proved in Casino.

I brought a giant ladle with a picture of the union jack on it into the Indian restaurant where I work.
It caused quite a stir.

I'm finally going to see that new Justin Timberlake film.
It's about time.

"There's still life in the old dog yet."
I said dumping my neighbours crippled, half conscious dog on their porch after hitting it with my car.

I'm not a poet,
And I know that...

They say revenge is a dish best served cold.
Actually, that's necrophilia.

I got offered a job in a wine factory today.
I think I'll mull it over.

I took a few steps in the right direction today...
But then I quickly backtracked as I realised the pub was in the left direction.

My wife's like a walking encyclopedia.
Thick and flat.

I saw a suicide bomber blow herself up earlier and the emergency services brushed her up into a nice little neat pile at the side of the road.
I've got to say, she was bang tidy!

I've been very down to earth since losing my pilot license.

When I was a kid my dad told me that the man must bring home the bacon in the household.
But I went one better - I married a pig.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't go to the right shops.