My father always said neither a borrower nor a lender be.
That's why he was fired from the mortgage department
at Natwest.

She offered me her ring.
I knew it was just a Tolkien gesture.

Does "I love you like a brother" mean the same thing in Mississippi?

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you...
Cry and you look like a poof.

After our divorce my wife took me to the cleaners.
A lift was the least she could do after being awarded the family car.

As an investment I just bought an antique Samurai sword.
If life becomes a struggle it'll be good to have something to fall back on

Be Alert
The world needs more lerts

An ex turned up from 10 years ago and said she wanted to be a suicide bomber.
Talk about a blast from the past.

"Loose lips sink ships"
I don't know about that, but they certainly took down a load of seamen.

Bad things always come in threes.
With the exception of The Cheeky Girls.

The local kids have taken to calling me "Age"
I'm only 17, but you know what they say, age really creeps up on you

Once you go black you'll never go back...to having equal rights.

My employee is suing me after he fell off a ladder at work.
This time he went one step too far.

Whoever said, "What goes up, must come down", can't have ever encountered my wife's knickers.

My grandfather used to always say "Slow and steady wins the race"
He died in a fire

I'd be more optimistic if I thought it would help.

For months and months I had to put up with the constant sound of my Siamese twin nagging me to give my consent to an operation to separate us.
In the end I agreed to it just to get him off my back.

"The postman always rings twice."
...A year if he works for Royal Mail.

Popularity is what people strive for when they lack the strength to be themselves.

My parents told me the truth last night, it wasn't curiosity that killed my cat, it was lung cancer.

I come from a broken home.
By masturbating at my broken window.

Every rule has an exception.
Except for this one.

I used to think outside the box.
Now i just make the box bigger.

Horse drawn carriages.
It's not the whinnying, it's the taking cart.

My house is burglar-proof; I've painted it with 1's, 2's, 3's and 4's.
Safety in numbers.