I saw this kid coming out of McDonald's with a happy meal.
I punched him in the face and nicked it.
Turns out there is such a thing as a free lunch.

EA Sports, its in the game session no longer available

I always eat lots of fruit to stay healthy but I don't like apples and pears.
That's why I eat oranges in my ground floor flat.

I've been promising my bosses at top shop a new range of leg garments that would turn over millions, but after failing to finish the product in the 2 month deadline set, they finally fired me, guess I was all talk, no trousers.

The first man to say 'a Dog is a man's best friend', probably had no friends.

My wife is down in the dumps tonight.
I would have taken the rubbish down there myself but the darts is on.

I've just heard that B&Q are going to buy out a now defunct arts and crafts shop.
That'll be a spanner in the works.

I recently hacked into the bank account of a famous musician and transferred 250 000 to my current account.
I'm living life on the edge.

I've been fishing for five hours now and the only thing in my net is two compliments.

There's no "I" in team but there's a "U" in squad.

My daughter asked me if it would be OK for her to have a rhinoplasty procedure done.
''No skin off my nose,'' I replied.

I've had to stop free entry to my club for people with crabs...
They were just itching to get in.

''An apple a day keeps the doctor away''
Unless It's in suppository form.

We all want that shiny red apple, but sometimes we have to settle for what`s on the lower branch,
or in some cases we take what`s lying on the ground.

I've just got back from a culinary course in Amsterdam.
I was absolutely disgusted with the Dutch method of cooking.

`That is the last straw or I've found a needle in a haystack.'

I went into HMV and bought a DVD of the film "Happiness"
Just to prove a point.

My two mates asked me to stand in the cupboard while they discussed something important.
I don't know why they're keeping me in the dark.

"All that glitters is not gold" - Claire from Claire's Accessories.

Paddy's comparisons of women to men on Take me Out:
'let the banana see the split'
'let the doctor see the patient'
More like let the jam see the tarts.

People who committ suicide with a fire-arm, always go out with a bang.

Knowledge is power. France is Bacon.

The wife is like a box of chocolates, you always know what you're gonna get.

I am feeling politely confrontational today. Would anyone care for a piece of me?

A bloke came up to me earlier and said "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth."
These graverobbers were never any good at bartering.