I'm worried about my nan. If she's alone in her house, and she falls, does she make a sound?

Things are often described as being the "size of Wales"
Cardiff women, for example.

I've had it with speed limits.
I'm putting my foot down.

Just visited The Flying Egg Cafe at Heathrow.
What I want to know is ... which came first, the check-in or The Egg?

If I had a pound for every time i heard the number on Children in need
I would probably make a donation

I went to visit my poorly grandad in hospital, and I noticed that he has been writing some things down:
''Monday - 6
Tuesday - 14
Wednesday - 8
Thursday - 5...''
I'm beginning to think his days are numbered.

They say that time heals all wounds.
Well, I just dug up my grandad and he is still very much dead.

How do i stop an addiction to cold turkey?

Cheer up,
the whole of the United Kingdom may be struggling to cope with the freezing weather conditions but on the plus side the number of homeless people on our streets has been halved already.
Every cloud has a silver lining and all that.

If winners never quit and quitters never win, what idiot came out with 'quit while you're ahead'?

Personally, I don't understand why you'd keep your sewing kit in a haystack in the first place.

They say "the enemy of my enemy is my friend".
So any advice on what to do with the self harmer that I hate?

They say that you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
Not such great advice when you're a youth outreach worker with aspirations of becoming a pimp.

BBC Wales News:
Local boy kills himself jumping in to the sea after drunken bust-up with girlfriend.
I cant help but think,i know there are plenty more fish in the sea but you dont have to go looking for them.

I was helping out in my wife's bridal shop, when a fat, frumpy, 50ish-yr-old woman came in.
"Bridesmaid dresses?" she inquired.
"Left, on the shelf" I said.
I still don't know why she started sobbing.

My girlfriend has told me my constant masturbating is becoming an issue.
I've got tissues for my issues.

I took a trip to the Black Sea recently and it was awful, what a waste of money.
Now I finally understand the phrase "Once you go Black, you never go back."

There's a saying that says once you in black, you'll never go back.
Well it's true.
My sister dated a black guy and we haven't seen her since!

How many cliches does it take to change a lightbulb?

"What do we want?"
"Rhetorical questions!"
"When do we want them?"
...

"These shoes are killing me!"
Screamed my mate on mushrooms before taking his own life.

Call me ignorant but I still don't know what it is that Rumour has.

Alchtruism : when you're overly kind and generous because you're drunk

"Hold your horses"
Because even horses need a little love.

My old man used to have a saying...
"If it bleeds, butcher it"
His job with St. Johns Ambulance didn't last long....