"All's well that end's well"
Unless you're unwell.

They say guys like girls who are exactly like their mothers.
That's certainly true for my girlfriend.
She's dead.

Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, but it is also the last day of your life so far.

They say if there's turf on the wicket lets play cricket.
I say if there aint no turf she aint giving birth!

You know you have been spending too much time on Sickipedia when you hear "a finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat" and your mind starts to wonder.

'Beauty is only skin deep'
Unless you find internal organs attractive.

"Oi!" I shouted, at my archaeology teacher.
"What?" He replied with a scared look on his face.
"I've got a bone to pick with you!"

I used to be firmly against surgery, but then I had a change of heart.

I'm really good at geography. I could always find my way from A to B.
One of the best train drivers there was.

My Dad was a sniper in the army, he lived by the rule of "If you can't see them, they can't see you."
I try to apply this rule to my life as much as possible. Thats why I close my eyes when i'm raping.

Someone said to me the other day "least said, soonest mended". Its a phrase apparently.
I decided to put this saying to the test as my brakes went on my car the other day, so I didn't tell anyone.
The Wife's Funeral is next week.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Who ever thought this one up obviously hasn't heard the whole 'give a man a fish' thing, because surely the answer is: grow a lemon tree.

A woman came up to me and asked, "Have you got change for a ten?"
I said, "Here's 20p, but you're a six at best."

The wife left me tonight. She had sent me to the butchers for a turkey and I came back with some roadkill I'd hit on the way.
I'm not too bothered, wheel meat again.

What is the name of the compound where OH group is directly attached to an alkyl radical ?
Yes , sometimes alcohol is the answer.

It was always quite noisy in the grenade factory.
It took three seconds to hear a pin drop.

The pen may be mightier than the sword,
But a sword wont leak in your pocket, ruining a good pair of trousers.

I'm special with a capital R.

Just to remind all young kids,
If you cant take the heat stay out of the tumble dryer.

"Have Faith"
And if she's any good, have her again.

Early to rise, early to bed, leaves a man healthy but socially dead.

Me and my dad had a race to see who could invent John Smith's in tablet form first. My dad won the race and the rule was the loser had to be the first one to try the tablet.
That was a bitter pill to swallow.

If you can't beat them, join them.
And that's why i've gone to the hospital to stay with my wife.

If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs, you're probably drinking too slowly.

I asked for a pay rise at work because I'm the most able and end up having to spoon feed everyone there.
Apparently that's expected when you work with disabled people.