Sayings Joke

Good Girls bend at the knees.
Bad Girls bend at the waist.

Sayings Joke

My grandad used to say "Take everything in life with a pinch of salt".
He died from dehydration.

Sayings Joke

Why are girls so against Bukkake?
They should take it as it comes.

Sayings Joke

Red sky at night - light of shorter wavelengths is being dissipated by water vapour and atmospheric dust.
Red sky in the morning...
Same.

Sayings Joke

A red sky at night is a shepherds delight.
But in Newport it means your car is probably on fire.

Sayings Joke

My son was about to jump off a building because I'd never given him any advice.
I said "Luke, before you leap..."

Sayings Joke

I was in America last week and visited a taxidermist. After spotting a large stuffed Grizzly I told the shop owner I'd like its upper limbs.
The shop owner said," Son, you can't buy it in bits."
I said, " Hold on. This is America, yeah?"
He said," Certainly is. The land of the free."
I said," Ok. So what about my right to bear arms?"

Sayings Joke

They say in Norwich:
"You can choose your friends but you can't choose your wife."

Sayings Joke

Walked down to the beach earlier
The coast was clear

Sayings Joke

I was in London with my mates when one of them said "How are we going to get over the river?"
I said, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it".

Sayings Joke

Up escalators, they won't let you down.

Sayings Joke

They say you can't run away from your problems.
Well, I don't know, my wife is pretty large....

Sayings Joke

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit.
Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

Sayings Joke

I went in to my local Staples, and could not believe how disorganised the stationery was.
It was all over the shop

Sayings Joke

I've started stealing young horses.
A foal and his mummy are easily parted.

Sayings Joke

My mother in law was admitted to hospital with a bad case of dementia, so when me and the wife were visiting her I said to the doctor
"How bad is she, Doc?"
to which he replied
"Very bad i'm afraid, the lights are on but no-ones home".
So I robbed her house.

Sayings Joke

A wise man once said if you love somebody let them go.
I love my wife but looking at her body on the rocks below I'm tending to disagree.

Sayings Joke

My motto in life is 'third time lucky'.
Which is probably why I didn't make it as a heart surgeon.

Sayings Joke

Christmas is certainly in the air.
I guess my kids' presents burned real good then.

Sayings Joke

I told my wife that i got a new job as a puppeteer
"How on earth did you do that?" she asked
"I had to pull a few strings" I replied

Sayings Joke

Sticks and stones may break my bones but I also have low self esteem and suffer from a severe lack of confidence so words can really hurt me also.

Sayings Joke

the greatest lies of all time:
I love you
This wont hurt a bit
its in the mail
I was going to call you
I swear I wont come in your mouth
of course I will respect you in the morning
I'm from the goverment, and I'm here to help you

Sayings Joke

I'm hoping to get some investment for my new business venture...It's eleven foot barge poles for things you wouldn't touch with a ten foot barge pole...any offers

Sayings Joke

My wife has always said that what you don't know can't hurt you.
We'll soon see about that, she doesn't know I've cut her brakes.

Sayings Joke

Spending Valentines Day in prison has taught me one thing,
"It's better to give than receive".