'If you love something, set it free'.
Our son still hasn't found his way home from our Tunisian mini break...

My wife and I got in a huge argument when she told me to stop living in the past.
This is the worst Christmas eve ever.

According to the judge "My home is my castle" Wasn't a viable excuse for pouring the boiling oil out of my upstairs window onto the Jehovah's witnesses below.

My wife and I are like chalk and cheese.
I'm white and skinny, and she's primarily made up of fat.

Dettol kills 99.9% of bacteria.
So what would happen if you poured dettol into a yakult?

I've never been one to call a spade a spade.
So it came as no surprise when I was fired from the casino.

Revenge is a dish best served... with unmitigated violence.

I'm having trouble finishing up my dragons den pitch for my hotcakes business.
I've got my sales figures, but i just can't describe them.

I was arguing with a Muslim about religion and he said,
"Well, I will enter the Kingdom of God before you."
"I'll give you that...", I conceded, "...but you've got a head start on me."
"Why?" he asked smugly. "Because I'm holier than you?"
"No", I huffed. "Because you stink to high heaven."

There's a guy pops into my place of work every week and announces he's going to test the fire alarm.
I don't know him but his face rings a bell.

I had to tell a prisoner on death row, that I still didn't know what time he was to hang.
"Ah well", he said, "No noose is good noose".

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose.

They used to say that life begins at 40.
Now they say that there's an 80% chance you'll die.

If I had a pound for everytime someone started a sentence with, 'If I had a pound for everytime'. I'd have enough pounds to give everyone who started a sentence with, 'If I had a pound for everytime', a pound.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house not a creature was stirring...
Until my Dad slapped me for narrating at 1 in the morning.

Try as I may, I can't find a woman who'd touch me with a 10 foot barge pole. Then again, it is a bit of an unusual request.

Some people say that friends are overrated.
It's usually the gingers.

"Red sky at night" - Shepherd's Delight.
"I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don't stop" - Rapper's Delight.

"Change is a good thing".
Especially when you're a tramp.

"Look with your eyes, not with your hands".
I'm never reading a book on etiquette in Braille again.

"Things always look better in the morning."
Disproven by one night stands.

What is the Alzheimer's society slogan?
Remember those who can't.

The little wheel on my mouse...
That's how i scroll.

My dad would always say "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"
Which is probably why we lost the easter egg hunt.

"Their are plenty more fish in the sea".
Then why is it that as soon as I get my tackle out in public I seem to get arrested?