If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

My wife always gets the wrong end of the stick.
So now i just use a spade.

My Grandad's very intelligent, but he still 'talks in riddles'. Yesterday he said, "Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration."
I didn't have a clue what he was on about, but I thought "There's no smoke without fire."

Why is it only my wife who tells me that "it's the little things in life that matter"?

Whoever says that its not the winning its the taking part that counts has obviously never played russian roulette.

A lot of people say that I'm full of trite clichs.
I don't care.
As long as I keep believing in myself, anything is possible.

My brother's taking his debt collectors exam tomorrow, I told him to break a leg.

Get rich or die trying.
Or in my case, don't even try and die doing something else.

My mates found out I was still playing with my A-Team figurines and started chucking them in the fire for laughs.
I tried saving Face,but to no avail.

A lot of people use idioms, but they're not my cup of tea.

I think they should get Adele to play at Bin Laden's funeral.
Just to make sure that it's really over.

As I lay there in intensive care, I realised 'the bigger they are, the harder they fall' was a little wide of the mark, and 'the bigger they are, the harder they punch' is a far more accurate idiom.

People who live in crack houses shouldn't throw rocks.

A watched pot never boils.
Unless you're Cyclops from X-Men.

I've got a mate with Spina Bifida, and he's a really nice guy. He'd bend over sideways to help anyone.

My Father once told me "Son, find a job you love and you'll never work another day in your life."
He was absolutely right...
I work for the council.

'A problem shared is a problem halved.'
Unless you share it with 6,000,000 people. Then it goes from 'A problem' to 'The Holocaust'.

Better the devil you know than the devil who makes you guess his name.

If you give an African a fish, he'll eat for a day.
If you give him a fishing rod, he'll think it's his brother with a reel of cotton.

A Gentleman is a person who can play the accordion but doesn't.

I'm sick and tired of people using me as an example, like I'm just some common individual.
Regards,
John Smith.

Women!
You give them an inch, they run off and have an affair.

WONDERBRA - Making mountains out of molehills since 1994

In a recent interview, Adele said "Life's thrown some stuff at me, but I'm still standing."
Of course you are love, everyone knows that 'Weebles wobble but they don't fall down'.

Just been to the cinema and sat with a champion wrestler to the left of me and Simon Weston to the right.
I was in between the Rock and a charred face.