I've often heard it be said that it's the little things in life that count.
Like calculators?

I'm giving away my chimney for nothing on eBay.
It's on the house.

You know what they say:
"Once you go black, your cancer is probably incurable."

My Gran always use to say be nice to people on the way up because you might meet them on the way down.
That's why I became a window cleaner.

Whenever times are troubled, I like to remember the words of my old scoutmaster.
"Shhh, it'll be our little secret".

"Is it ok to take my clone into the boxing ring to spar with?"
"Yeah, knock yourself out."

I'm gutted that the internet completely destroyed some of my childhood's urban myths.
When was the last time someone told you not to swallow chewing gum because it would take seven years to digest?

Despite constant warnings, no one has never met anyone who has had their arm broken by a swan

I'm throwing a party for all shapes apart from regular quadrilaterals. Be there or be square.

Early to bed, early to rise, till you have enough money to do otherwise.

My wife left me because I was always running away from my problems.
Or "abandoning our children" as she put it.

People in cars cause accidents.
Accidents in cars cause people.

Better half a proverb

After years of nagging, I finally put the Gary Speed wallpaper up in my son's room.
As my wife said, it's not going to hang its self.

This year I've decided to have a marquee put up in my garden with some funky music & flashing lights in.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.

A good friend of mine accused me of betrayal.
I was so offended I stabbed him in the back.

How to find a needle in a haystack...
Cause that's been such a huge problem over the years for all these sewing farmers who like to do their needlework in a barn!

Let me make this perfectly clear.
T H I S.

A fly meets another fly on the collar of an American golfer and says.
"What brings you to this neck of the Woods?"

''We've been in this meeting for 24 hours straight.''
''Let's call it a day.''

I didn't know whether to stop two little ducks falling to their deaths or not.
It was a catch-22 situation

Give a man a fishing rod and you're a mug - could've got fifty quid for that!

"Behind every successful man is a woman".
Serves them right for running in the same race then.

Pain is just nature's way of telling you to take more heroin.

I've called my dog 'Macduff'.
So when I'm about to take him for a walk, I can say "Lead on Macduff."
I also collect stamps and live with my mum.