Big girls don't cry.
Their tear ducts are blocked by fat.

"Everyone makes mistakes."
That's why my son is an only child

Theres no smoke without fire
Me and my smoke machine beg to differ.

You know that old saying "Don't mix business with pleasure" .... That's my dream of becoming a gynaecologist out of the window!!

A man was crushed in South Africa when a diamond mine tunnel collapsed.
Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.

Don't like yeast?
Rise above it.

I was paralyzed for two weeks after an accident and let me tell you,it was no walk in the park.

The "customer is always right." phrase doesn't really apply when you are a Lifeguard.
As the now permanently-paralyzed people that I let dive into the shallow end of the pool will testify.

"trust me, people will remember my name forever." - anonymous

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

My friend had a fit of rage at me for copying his jungle themed bookmarks.
I only took a leaf out of his book.

I went to church yesterday and the priest said, ''Body of Christ."
I said, "Thanks for the compliment, but it's totally down to anabolic steroids."

Why do people say, "What you need is a nice cup of tea"?
It's not like there is ever a scenario where you would need, "A nasty cup of tea".

I know we won it, but calling world war 1 the Great war is over the top!

For my wife's birthday I got her a present that "fell off the back of a lorry" if you know what I mean.
Unfortunately for her, it was a vase.

Behind every successful man there is a woman.
Desperately trying to think of a way to take the credit.

Our family never talked about incest, actions spoke louder than words.

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its trousers on." - Winston Churchill
Perhaps the truth would not lag so far behind, if it refrained from taking it's trousers off in the first place.

My heart goes out to people waiting for organ donations.

There's very little you can't achieve with brute force and ignorance.
And maybe a little bit of spit.

I'm King William III (1650 1702) and taxing people for using windows was my idea.

My Sister said to me, "Blood is thicker than water".
I think she severely underestimates the problems I have with limescale.

I set up a game of "Pick the hat" on the street yesterday.
A tramp came up and after I performed my little show I asked, "So, which hat?" He looked confused and just walked away.
I guess beggars can't be choosers.

Why do people always describe a death as "untimely", "his death was untimely"?
As in occuring at an inopportune moment, as if death is ever really not "untimely".
At all times death is at the very least a major inconvenience.

The first rule of Hindsight Club is you should've known better.