'Variety is the spice of life'
Apparently a poor excuse for cheating on my wife numerous times.

To be successful you have to smile, look amused and make a series of 'ha!' sounds.
Do that, and you're laughing.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Mimes must be the most hateful people on earth then.

Electric Razors; the best thing since sliced beard.

First thing in the morning the sun came out.
Later on the sun went back in.
Then it slowly got dark.
It really made my day.

"Man up" - a simple phrase to make your friends do stupid things.

They say money is the root of all evil.
Well that's not true.
Because if I was a millionaire I wouldn't need to rob a bank.

My wife asked me earlier "If you were in my shoes, what would you do?"
"Take them off and put mine on" I replied.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but us bee keepers are a lot less popular with the ladies than you might think!

War is never the answer. Unless the question is "What's never the answer?"

I have just taken a leaf out of my dads book...
Quite funny 'cause I think he was using it to remember his page.

I met a bloke who illegally harvests peoples' organs.
Now there's a man after my own heart.

I could hear my flat mate Winston muttering in the kitchen "hurry up and boil you dope."
I thought, 'that's the black calling the kettle pot'.

You're about as much use as an ejector seat in a helicopter.

To be honest with you, is against government policy.

For the first half of your life, women tell you what you should do; for the second half, they tell you what you should have done.

Just read this joke from FCF
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year
Why is this not a DUPLICATE
I Heard this one a Billion years ago!

I was sitting at the bus stop this morning when this midget girl took a seat next to me and started telling me the latest celebrity gossip and some interesting facts
I thought to myself,"this must be the little bird everyone gets their information from"

I agree with those who believe soldiers and footballers should swap wages. Those brave men deserve it and as Accrington Stanley's third choice keeper I offer my support.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I tried counting sheep! all that did was make it harder, half an hour later I was still awake but now in a cold field surrounded by sheep!

Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go.

I don't know how, but so many people seem to know my Uncle Bob.

A Scouser, A Gypsy and a Black man..
Break into a Bar.

I've just been watching my neighbour spend hours meticulously gluing Bubble wrap to his dinghy.
Well, whatever floats your boat.

I can't help it. Everytime I take a girl to bed, I end up stabbing her in the eyes.
And Mum's always told me off for my ffffing and blinding.