I'd quite like to open a cannabis cafe in Amsterdam, but it'll never happen.
It's just a pipe dream.

People who say "It's better to have loved and lost" clearly don't understand the rules of tennis.

I went to visit Ryan Giggs at his country retreat last week.
As I was pulling into his drive I caught a glimpse of his horse as it flashed past my car, sprinting away from the stable at top speed.
I ran to the door and shouted, "Come quickly Ryan, we'd better go and catch your horse. It's just bolted".
"Give me a couple of minutes", he replied as he strode out of the house, "I'll just go and close the barn door."

All that glitters is not gold. A good example of this is glitter.

I've just asked the wife what she wants for her birthday tomorrow and she replied, "To not have any more birthdays!"
Her present's going to be murder!

Whoever said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," obviously hasn't called their missus a fat slag.

I've got a pessimistic advent calendar this year.
When one door opens, another one closes.

"Have it your way" is the Burger King slogan,
Apparently doggy style with the lady on checkout was the wrong interpretation of this.

I often have trouble spelling my own address.
"Surrey" seems to be the hardest word.

"Never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes."
Unless their shoes are Crocs.

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right.
Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

I have no sense of decency.
That way my other senses are enhanced.

I've always had a bit of an eye for the ladies.
It's never done me any good though, they tend to be absolutely disgusted when I get it out of my pocket to show them.

I tried to get my local chippie interested in selling minnows in batter.
But he said he had bigger fish to fry.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
How about: don't serve food that has less appeal than your own hand?

My dad recently had a stroke.
He's coming around and finally starting to see the funny side of it.

A friend of mine has been offering me free scuba diving lessons for years now and has told me we can start next week.
I'm not going to hold my breath.

Most people think that camouflage is the most effective type of army uniform. Personally, I can't see it myself.

I said to my housemate, "I saw your better half earlier."
"Oh really?" she replied, "Did he come round here?"
"No" I explained, "I mean I was watching through the keyhole when you got out of the shower."

I've been accused of being 'all mouth, no trousers'.
Well, the actual charges are for 'causing a disturbance & indecent exposure on a bus'.

I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't realy mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "it's a boy".

If you have nothing nice to say, might as well throw the first punch.

The Government is to "Lend a hand" to banks.
The customers at the sperm bank will be relieved.

Doorbells.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.