I ate cheese in my dream last night.
Now I'm having a nightmare day.

A friend of mine always keeps his cards close to his chest.
He's got a little thalidomide hand.

The "I before E except after C" rule doesn't apply to the word efficiency, which isn't a very efficient rule.

They say 'no news is good news'. Well, last year, my brother went on a 2 week backpacking holiday in Zimbabwe and we haven't heard from him since.
He must be having fun.

To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
Yabba Dabba Do. - Fred Flintstone

A foolish man will tell a woman to shut up.
A wise man will tell a woman she is beautiful with her lips closed.

I'm Worried that my addiction to Helter Skelters is spiraling out of control.

Why don't they give out toilet roll in KFC?
Beacuse is finger lickin' good!

How long before this 'Original Author' gets abused?

A woman's success is directly proportional to how wide her legs will spread.

Singing Lessons....40
Pink Dress....80
Hotel for the night....110
Taxi to studio....15
The look on her face when Ant says 'we don't have time to do it again' PRICELESS!
There's some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Hollie Steel.

My wife is just like a broken record player. She's been in a bin bag at the tip for the last 30 years.

My wife asked me yesterday "what came first the egg or the chicken?" I replied "the toast then the egg, now stop asking me stupid questions and make my breakfast."

Don't judge people by the colour of their skin.
Muslims can be white too you know.

My Grandad always used to say "find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck."
Which worked well for him, until he drowned in a fountain.

The amount of time spent on Facebook is inversely proportional to the amount of actual friends you have.

It's the thought that counts.
Unless that thought came from a woman's brain. Then it doesn't.

My Kitchen appliances are involved in a bitter race row.
Apparently it all started when the pot called the kettle black.

My granddad always said, "What you don't know won't hurt you, son."
Until I beat him to death with my big book of rocket science.

My mum always told me never to put all my eggs in one basket.
Which made it very difficult for me to steal from Tesco.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
So if the zombie apocalypse starts there, the rest of the world is saved.

Fat People: They've had more hot meals than I've had hot meals.

My Mum always said to me
"It's not about how many times you fall off the horse, it's about how many times you get back on"
Try telling that to Christopher Reeve.

My doctor says with a bit of patience he can cure my blindness.
I'll have to wait and see.

My girlfriend's like a parking ticket. She's got "fine" written all over her.
She fell asleep and I had a marker pen.