Wise old saying: Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.

I wanted to see what my cat looked like from the inside, so I cut him open.
Unfortunately he died. Curiosity eh?

Give a monkey a typewriter and he may type out the works of Shakespeare, but give an educated man a laptop and, odds are, he will look at naked women.

My mum always said, "Never use two words when one will do."
Why didn't she just say, "Avoid verbosity"?

Why did the clock phone the ruler?
Because desperate times call for desperate measures....

I accidentally locked my coat hanger in my car today.
Luckily for me, I had my keys.

Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 216 words.

Return flights.
They take me back.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, why don't Daleks hide in orchards?

I'm sick of defending my son every time someone calls him a freak.
He needs to learn how to stand on his own three feet.

Herbal medicine.
Because thyme heals all wounds.

Good things come to those who wait.
Well... except for the people on death row.

I worked very hard to get to where I am in life.
An unemployed university graduate.

If I had a pound for every time my wife accused me of being unfaithful,
I could've bought my girlfriend that necklace she's always wanted.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

If someone asks you if you're ticklish, it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, they're going to touch you.

I confidently walked up to a girl at the bar and introduced myself. She looked me in the eyes and said, "I think you're the one."
"Well how about we see how tonight goes first," I replied.
"No, you're definitely the one. It was five years ago and I was walking through the park late at night..."

My son asked me where the most dangerous place on earth is.
I'm stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

What do we want?
PROCRASTINATION!
When do we want it?
Next week.

"Two's company, three's a crowd"
As they like to say at Wigan Athletic.

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."
-Evil Knievel
"What doesn't kill me makes me smaller"
-Super Mario

How do you get a fat policewoman into bed?
PC cake

"One door closes, and another door opens" said my boss.
Which is why I'm such a poor submarine designer.

I was at death's door last night.
I said, "Could I interest you in our fantastic range of double glazing, Mr Reaper?"

There's an old saying, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but give him a fishing rod and he'll eat forever."
It was in this spirit that I gave the local winos some grapes.