You know how they say, "You end up looking like your pets"?
Well, I reckon my wife is hiding a pet hippo from me.

Once you go black you never go back...
No, seriously: if you go to a black man's house, you're never getting out.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Then it's still all fun and games, just without depth perception.

I've just finished building Rome with my kid's Lego.
Took me a day.

My new doctor is a very attractive busty blonde.
I have now given up eating apples.

They say, "Crime doesn't pay."
Well, I work in Cash Converters and apparently it does.

1. There's more than one way to skin a cat.
2. A cat has nine lives.
During an experiment to find out if number 1 is true, I proved that number 2 is false.

They say what you don't know, can't hurt you.
Not so true when it comes to bomb defusal.

I've discovered a new compound that needs to be added to the periodic table.
Its made up of B, O and O.
Its the element of surprise.

Saying "whoever smelt it dealt it" doesn't work when it comes to airport sniffer dogs, apparently.

They say: "Time heals all wounds."
Doesn't help amputees much though.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
if I die before I wake
will someone please delete my internet browser history.

Give a man a fish, and he'll feed himself for a day. Beat him to death with his own shoe, and he won't be hungry anymore.

If you want to help with the restoration of the church....
Give us a bell.

I saw my girlfriend lying on our bed looking miserable. I said, "Let's turn that frown upside down."
Any excuse for a 69.

My Granddad always used to tell me that it's not the winning, it's the taking part.
Then again, he is German.

My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking..
"Wow, I can teleport".

Some old sayings are too stupid for words. I can scientifically state, after extensive experiments in my shed;
That a cat only has one life.

Women, we don't want to put ourselves in your shoes,
We want to put our hands in your knickers.

My wife has just been sacked from the jigsaw factory. She's in pieces.

Whoever said "nothing lasts forever" obviously hasn't tried masturbating over Susan Boyle!

My old gran used to say, "You don't miss what you never had"
What if you fell in a lake and never had swimming lessons?

When writing a college paper, I have a length suggestion.
Think of it as a girl's skirt; make it long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.

It's not who you know,
...it's whom you know.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.