One thing I leant today ...
Making the comment, "Ah! Well. You win some, you lose some."
Turns you into a social pariah at a funeral.

'What goes around comes around'.
If this were true, Surely I would now be dating the slapper I've been asking out for the last five years.

It doesn't matter if someone's around to hear it when a tree falls down or not; there's always a little bark.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
And then he'll get sacked from the Sealife Centre.

If I had a pound for every time I got a hole in one of my socks,
I'd walk around with no shoes on.

Has anyone actually ever seen a storm in a tea cup?

They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. I disagree. I've just seen the security guard go to lunch and I walked out of Boots with a meal deal under my jacket.

My dad threw my drum kit from the third floor window so I'm off to the hardware to buy some glue.
If you can't beat them,join them.

I knew when I was labelled the 'black sheep of the family' that I was destined for a life of crime.

I've just found out, that if you visit a Doctor's wife with a bag of apples.
You won't get disturbed.

If 'everyone makes mistakes' and 'that's why pencils have erasers'
How come we use pens?

Polish saying: Wherever you go, you can't get rid of yourself.
And neither can we!

I've just dumped my girlfriend in a shallow grave.
Well, not all of her, I kept one of her internal organs.
You may think I'm sentimental but,
home is where the heart is.

Apparently Gordon Brown knew about some corruption within his party but he always turned a blind eye.

If you're having trouble at sea and need the coast guard its best not to mention you tried calling the AA before them.
They haven't quite got over that slogan.

This morning, my dad said to me, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." I'm sick of these mixed messages.
I'm seriously considering my future as a cannibal.

I'm not one to blow my own trumpet.
Mainly because my ex-wife took it when we got divorced.

'Too Many Cooks Spoil The Broth'
Apparently, so does Bull Sperm.

It's well worth remembering that while the saying goes "The pen is mightier than the sword" strictly speaking this is only true if said pen is from the 'Q' range.

My local barber is claiming social security while running his business.
Is that what they call fringe benefits?

My wife just helped me put up our new marque in the garden.
"It's as safe as houses." She said.
"In London." I replied.

Sometimes in life you just have to hold your hands up.
Especially during armed robberies.

After a five year feud, my brother and I have finally settled the score.
Stupid row over just 20 quid really.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, make snide remarks about those who can.

A friend is just a stranger I wish I'd never met.