Incompetence is officially at its lowest level since records were lost.

Here's hoping I never get any splinters.
Touch wood.

I get annoyed when retailers insist on charging 99p, or 9.99 for products.
I usually tell them to 'keep the change' but they get very angry. More often than not, they throw me out of the shop.
In fact, if I had a penny for every time it happened, the situation could be avoided altogether.

I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

"The greatest thing about the internet, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." - George Washington.

My wife accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.

I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.

My motto is "Never say never."
Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

TEIAM - problem solved

I was at a very awkward party last night in an Igloo.
I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse.

This has to be the best day of the year so far!

I smacked a Paki on the head with a hammer yesterday at 12:00.
Bang on the dot.

What's the difference between Tango and Rohypnol?
You know when you've been Tangoed.

I'll get your coat, you've pulled a gentleman.

I've invented a more efficient whisk
It's causing quite a stir.

There's no "I" in team but there are 5 in individual brilliance.

I've just started going out with some anorexic twins, two birds one stone

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.
Give an octopus nunchucks, and no-one's eating fish ever again.

Bigger is better.
Unless it's a tumour.

Apparently, California has the highest rates of depression and adultery in America.
Sounds like a sad state of affairs.

Big shout out to the partially deaf.

I've always been the kind of person who likes to think outside of the box.
Although it has harmed my career as a goalkeeper.

My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I lobbed a dictionary at his head - that showed him.

My old man used to say "When in Rome do as the Romans do..."
That was just before he got locked up in an Italian prison for murdering 20,000 Christians.

I was taught, the real secret in business is honesty.
Absolute, irresistible, downright, honesty.
Once you learn to fake that, you?ll make a fortune.