Apparently Gordon Brown knew about some corruption within his party but he always turned a blind eye.

When people talk about gravity it always brings me down.

My motto is "It is better to have half a motto than."

No-one believes that I've got a tart made from a rapper in D12.
Well, the Proof is in the pudding...

When my wife dies, I'm considering having,
"Here lies a fat munter" on her grave.
Although nothing's actually set in stone.

A wise man once said to me "Never have any doubts."
So I pushed him off a cliff, and I was right;
I doubted he'd survive.

I keep chickens in my back garden and I noticed they were looking a bit dirty so I got the hose out and gave them a rinse off.
It certainly ruffled a few feathers.

Confucius say: Man who eat photo of Father, soon spitting image of Father.

Girl of 15 killed by 16 year old by repeatedly bashing a rock against her head for a free breakfast.
Who says you cant get blood from a stone.

"You can't judge a book by its cover"
The phrase that drove Book Cover Review Ltd. out of business.

I joined the Contrarian Tramps Society last night.
I beg to differ.

`I don't know what I saw in you, I must have been drunk.'
`You still are. That's why I have asked for some anaesthetic and another surgeon. '

Give an underprivileged man a fish and he'll eat for a day. give the man a fishing rod he'll get splinters in his mouth.

Gouging
It's all fun and games until someone doesn't lose an eye.

My mum always used to tell me that an itchy right palm means you're coming into money.
Well, my right palm's itching & I'm only coming into a sock.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for that day.
Teach a man to fish and then sell him all your old and unwanted fishing tackle.

"If you can't beat them, join them."
Confusing thing to say to a double arm amputee after giving them a bongo set as a present.

Pain is temporary, success is permanent.
Just like that temporary bit of pain before that permanent thing...
Death.

What doesn't kill you makes you older.

I was rushing around like a mad thing and someone shouted "More haste, less speed."
I went to my dealer and he'd never heard of "haste".

"less is more"
Nope, more is more.

i'm in a long distance relationship, shes still on her way from Thailand

I saw two Chinese blokes dressed up trying to pretend to be Mark from TOWIE. They were useless at it.
It just renforced the fact that two Wong's dont make a Wright.

To cut a long story short...
I'll never win author of the year

My wife and I have a love / hate relationship.
She loves me.
I hate her.