My motto is "It is better to have half a motto than."

I recently opened a shop specialising in Hot Cakes and my friend came in today and said, "It's quiet in here, how's business?"
I replied, "I can't understand it, they're simply not selling."

He said I could have "whatever floats your boat", so I asked for a lake.

If you cant stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Or alternatively, turn down the heat.

I just got kicked where the sun don't shine. Last time i ever go on Holiday to Iceland in winter.

My mum always said, "Go to school on an egg." I don't know why she just didn't buy me a bike.

My dad put all his trust in me when I took over his gasket business but I blew it.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes.

Ahh if only i had a penny for everytime people told me to not take things so seriously.
I'd have 17p

I'll tell you what makes me mad ... Being an early contestant on 'Britain's Got Talent'.

I've been in negotiations with suppliers over sushi prices and we've finally been able to compromise
to an expensive price.
In the end I got a raw deal.

I quit my job as it's really boring. I spend ages trying to name a 24 hour period.
In the end I called it a day.

I'll never forget my wife's final words before she died..
"Get a life!"

BBC news: The police have seized 1.2 tonnes of cocaine with a street value of up to 300m, the largest ever in the UK.
Well that's not be sniffed at.

A spoon in the mouth helps when chopping onions.
I get the butler to do it.

Ever since I can remember I've always been a thief.
I take after my father.

Whatever about trying to find a needle in a haystack, try finding a piece of hay in a stack of needles

Mirrors can tell a lot about someone's appearance.
Depends which way you look at it.

They say you can't judge a book by it's cover.
True of my local library. I changed all the sleeves around.

I saw a man get shot today and couldn't help but think that it could have been me.
If I was Chinese and messed up getting a gold medal.

If I had a quid for every time I found a pound left in a vending machine...

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticise them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

"I'd love to smash your back doors in" i said to my new neighbour as she was moving her stuff in.
she went quiet and blushed as I checked how much her TV would fetch on my new Ebay app

" Necessity is the Mother of Invention " ,
...What an Immaculate Conception !

To be or not to be , that is TWO questions.