"If you can't beat them, join them."
Confusing thing to say to a double arm amputee after giving them a bongo set as a present.

They say you can't judge a book by it's cover.
True of my local library. I changed all the sleeves around.

Mirrors can tell a lot about someone's appearance.
Depends which way you look at it.

He said I could have "whatever floats your boat", so I asked for a lake.

If you cant stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Or alternatively, turn down the heat.

I just got kicked where the sun don't shine. Last time i ever go on Holiday to Iceland in winter.

My mum always said, "Go to school on an egg." I don't know why she just didn't buy me a bike.

My dad put all his trust in me when I took over his gasket business but I blew it.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes.

Ahh if only i had a penny for everytime people told me to not take things so seriously.
I'd have 17p

I'll tell you what makes me mad ... Being an early contestant on 'Britain's Got Talent'.

I've been in negotiations with suppliers over sushi prices and we've finally been able to compromise
to an expensive price.
In the end I got a raw deal.

I quit my job as it's really boring. I spend ages trying to name a 24 hour period.
In the end I called it a day.

I'll never forget my wife's final words before she died..
"Get a life!"

BBC news: The police have seized 1.2 tonnes of cocaine with a street value of up to 300m, the largest ever in the UK.
Well that's not be sniffed at.

A spoon in the mouth helps when chopping onions.
I get the butler to do it.

Ever since I can remember I've always been a thief.
I take after my father.

" Necessity is the Mother of Invention " ,
...What an Immaculate Conception !

Whatever about trying to find a needle in a haystack, try finding a piece of hay in a stack of needles

To be or not to be , that is TWO questions.

I'll tell you what sorts the men out from the boys.
Paedophilia.

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
'Nothing,' she said with a smile. 'It's just to keep the doctors away.'

My friend said to me "Our modern society is full of people from all walks of life"
"What about the paraplegics?" I replied.

No one ever seems to disappears into fat air.

My grandfather said to me, "You never know what's going to happen next"
Right before he was attacked by a Down syndrome sufferer wielding a pink baseball bat.