Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticise them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

If I had a quid for every time I found a pound left in a vending machine...

I saw a man get shot today and couldn't help but think that it could have been me.
If I was Chinese and messed up getting a gold medal.

They say you can't judge a book by it's cover.
True of my local library. I changed all the sleeves around.

Mirrors can tell a lot about someone's appearance.
Depends which way you look at it.

Muslim life is like a bowl of cherries. Pop them, then stone them.
Ayatollah.

Failed English? That'll learn ya

My mate tried to give me a high-five while on the monkey bars today.
I left him hanging

My latest business venture has failed already. I was planning doing women's bikini lines but I just couldn't cut the rug.

A friend of mine, wants to add some danger to his juggling routine.
I think he's starting to play with fire.

There never was a better day for my business flogging dead horses.
Than having my 2 for 1 offer at Newbury yesterday.

My Dad gave me the advice that; "Friends are the people who come to bail you out of prison, but true friends are the ones sitting next to you in the cell".
That's why I only befriend rapists and murderers.

Trying to find a virgin is like looking for a white g string

My boss called us all in to the office today and said, "Right you lot, production's down and I'm not happy! Decisions have had to be made and it's time to clean house."
"Isn't that your wifes job?" I replied.

My power's been off for the last couple of days even though my bills are up to date.
Unfortunately EDF's been keeping me in the dark as to why exactly.

Never throw stones in a greenhouse.
It will damage the paintwork.

My mate asked, "What would you say would happen if you walked into the barbers and realised you had forgotten your wallet?"
I replied, "Hmmmm, nothing, off the top of my head."

It was only when I saw the hole in the boat for myself when it really sunk in.

I walked in on my daughter and her girlfriend pleasuring each other while wearing matching West Ham tops.
They were going at it Hammer and tongues.

They say romance is dead.
My blind wife and her Haribo ring would beg to differ.

A friend of mine built an extension for my castle.
It was awful, but it's the fort that counts...

My new house is very small which is great news for my cat.

I'm not just a pretty face you know.
If I was, my lack of torso might be somewhat debilitating.

They say 'One swallow does not make a summer'.
If you knew my wife, then I beg to differ.

I've just been hung out to dry by a money launderer.