I recently opened a shop specialising in Hot Cakes and my friend came in today and said, "It's quiet in here, how's business?"
I replied, "I can't understand it, they're simply not selling."

"I'd love to smash your back doors in" i said to my new neighbour as she was moving her stuff in.
she went quiet and blushed as I checked how much her TV would fetch on my new Ebay app

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticise them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

If I had a quid for every time I found a pound left in a vending machine...

I saw a man get shot today and couldn't help but think that it could have been me.
If I was Chinese and messed up getting a gold medal.

Muslim life is like a bowl of cherries. Pop them, then stone them.
Ayatollah.

Failed English? That'll learn ya

My mate tried to give me a high-five while on the monkey bars today.
I left him hanging

My latest business venture has failed already. I was planning doing women's bikini lines but I just couldn't cut the rug.

A friend of mine, wants to add some danger to his juggling routine.
I think he's starting to play with fire.

There never was a better day for my business flogging dead horses.
Than having my 2 for 1 offer at Newbury yesterday.

My Dad gave me the advice that; "Friends are the people who come to bail you out of prison, but true friends are the ones sitting next to you in the cell".
That's why I only befriend rapists and murderers.

Trying to find a virgin is like looking for a white g string

My boss called us all in to the office today and said, "Right you lot, production's down and I'm not happy! Decisions have had to be made and it's time to clean house."
"Isn't that your wifes job?" I replied.

My power's been off for the last couple of days even though my bills are up to date.
Unfortunately EDF's been keeping me in the dark as to why exactly.

Never throw stones in a greenhouse.
It will damage the paintwork.

My mate asked, "What would you say would happen if you walked into the barbers and realised you had forgotten your wallet?"
I replied, "Hmmmm, nothing, off the top of my head."

It was only when I saw the hole in the boat for myself when it really sunk in.

I walked in on my daughter and her girlfriend pleasuring each other while wearing matching West Ham tops.
They were going at it Hammer and tongues.

I've just been hung out to dry by a money launderer.

I went out last night and ended up getting arrested for vandalism.
All I wanted to do was paint the town red.

I like my women how I like my exploded nuclear power plants
Under tonnes of concrete.

I saw this girl, distraught, holding 50 painkillers, threatening to take her life.
I was going to intervene and then thought no, she clearly doesn't have the bottle.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me because of my obsession with Clint Eastwood.
"Go ahead," I said, "make my day."

If you lay down with dogs, you'll come up with fleas.
Or an Asbo from the RSPCA in my case.