I've just sat through a lecture on 'how obesity affects constipation'.
It was heavy going.

I failed all my AS exams last summer, In exams I can't stop myself from doing origami. My girlfriend says its because I fold under pressure.

I have not been to confession since I wet myself in school.
I've not been to another parent's evening since.

'Active children get best grades', claim education experts.
What about Stephen Hawking?

I managed to write half a page about a family member earlier.
Pa.

Whilst getting my hair cut, i was chatting to the hairdresser who was quite good looking. Everything was going great and I thought I had a shot so I built up the courage to ask her the necessary question:
"So, no GCSE's then?"

I got 5 A*s for my A level results.
Just kidding, I'm not Chinese.

Those who can. Can.
Those who can't. Teach.
Those who can't teach. Teach PE.

"Tom cannot attend school today because he has a bad cold."
"Who's speaking?
"My Dad."

I went back to my old school today. It was the first time in twenty years.
I went back for the funeral of my old Science teacher, and they asked me to say a few words so I did,
Method : We put the coffin in the crematorium.
Observations : It burned with an orangey bright flame.
Conclusion : No more homework!

In secondary school I was voted most likely to reminisce.

At school I was always hopeless at fractions, half the time I didn't have a clue what any of the numbers meant.
Well I say half the time.

Me and the wife were called in by my little boys teacher because he's been using racist language.
"Your son has been using some really quite offensive words," said the teacher, "I'm worried about the role models he might have."
"Absolute rubbish," I said, "Come on Ava, lets go, I'm not going to let him talk about Adolf in this way".

It would be great to judge a spelling bee "Spell threw."
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"I threw the ball through the goal."

I took the lockpicking A Level because I thought it would open many doors for me in later life.

Studied: BTEC National Diploma in IT
Job: Checkouts at morrisons

After a seven year old in my primary school had his leg badly broken in a nasty tackle playing football, the school banned us from playing.
Well, us teachers anyway.

I remember hearing my grandad tell people he was on one of the first boats to arrive on the beach of Dunkirk but that he was also on one of the first boats back.
I think he shot himself in the foot.

A teacher asks the boys and girls whose parents are making a lot of money
John: My mother is a hooker, she makes a lot of money
Peter: My father is a police officer, he makes also a lot of money
Little James is looking a bit dazed hearing this, and the teacher asks him: James, does your father also make a lot money?
James: My father is a truck driver, and if there wouldn't be hookers and police officers, he would earn a lot too!

" I've got an 'A' for my essay."
"Great news son! I'm proud of you."
"I haven't handed it in yet. Any other letters I could add?"

What have school teachers and paedophiles got in common?
It's not very cool to admit it, but all kids try hard to be their favourite.

I made History today.
Sadly got up to late for Geography though.

I never used to pay attention in school, and my teacher said I'd never achieve my dreams by looking at a window.
I've proven her wrong. I've achieved my dreams, I'm now a window cleaner in Amsterdam.

I failed my physics A-level today.
I was asked to provide an example of an infinite reality loop. Apparently "an Indian man calling his bank helpline" wasn't the right answer.

Last month President Obama made a televised speech from a high school in Arlington, VA, in which he said: "Every single one of you has something that you're good at [...] And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is".
Mr Obama was right, as most of us discovered at the age of 12.