When I found two generous E's in my exam results today, I was a bit disappointed, but once I took them, my results were looking a lot better.

I remember at a parents evening, my head of year told my parents my future was going places.
The asked: "Like what? Scientist? Teacher?"
He replied: "No, he's going to be a travel agent".

After some of my students pulled a prank on me, I decided to teach them a lesson.
Since it's my job and everything.

I was always better at Geography than Maths. When asked "what is long division?" I answered "The Berlin Wall".

I've just failed my end of term art exam...
Q, If Jamal has blue paint and mixes it with your yellow paint, what does he get?
Apparently 'A punch' is not the correct answer.

I was sat in my Economics lesson today, where discussion was all about complimentary goods.
A call from one side heard "Shampoo and Conditioner", "Crackers and Cheese" from another, but apparently "Vaseline and tissues" isn't a suitable answer.

When I was at school, I spent half my time scared of things like fractions.
Well, I say half my time.

According to the new school curriculum, children from the age of five will be expected to learn and recite poetry.
We always read poetry at my school anyway. It's just most of it was written in the school toilets.

I had a very important role at school.
I was a day boy.
Or at least I think that's what they were shouting.

The human brain is amazing....... It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exams

Tinie Tempah..... probably has more Brit Awards now than he does GCSE's.

As a 55 year old PE teacher you might think I'm getting a bit past it. But actually the stiffness seems to go away after showers.

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting,
I immediately got off his lap

Osama Bin Laden and I have a lot in common.
Neither one of us has done my history homework.

In the news today apparently 50% of England"s schools are not teaching mathematics well enough, Doesn"t sound that bad to me, still less than a quarter.

My maths teacher called me to solve a problem he wrote on the blackboard.
So I got up and erased the blackboard.

My son's science project, about sound travelling under water, was a great success after a little help from me.
Shame about his ipod though.

The other day, this lady who works at the local school really went off on one. "Kids of today; they don't know how easy they've got it. They can't do anything themselves and expect everything handed to them on a plate"
To be fair, she is the dinner lady.

Just seen an ipod game called 'Surviving High School'.
I was well disappointed to find out it wasn't a first-person-shooter.

AQA GCSE Exam Question:
Do you think exam questions are getting easier?
A. Yes
B. David Beckham

I was called into my son's school by his headmaster.
He said, "I'm afraid to say, Mr Jones, it's clear to see that you completed Oscar's Geography coursework for him."
"Oh dear," I replied. "What gave it away? Is it because it's of a higher standardthan his usual work?"
"Not really," said the headmaster. "It's the fact that he was killed in a road accident the day we handed it out."

Just saw the latest dyslexia figures for the UK.
They made for difficult reading.

Playgrounds
1991 - My dad's tougher than your dad
2011 - My mum's tattoos are better than your mums

BBC news: "shortage of male primary school teachers"
Maybe the crackdown on paedos is working a little too well.

Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"