My son had a charity non-uniform day at school yesterday.
I thought I'd get him to emulate my look.
I can't believe the school frowned upon black steel toe capped boots, turned up jeans, a white vest and red braces.

"But professor," she said, "I still don't understand. Why are you giving me free tuition?"
"Well," I replied, "I see a lot of myself in you."
"Really? How much?"
"About six inches, but I haven't decided where to put it yet."

Brilliant, I start at a nursery on Monday and I can get away with playing with as many kiddies as I want without any complaints, strange looks or comments. I'll never be detected.
Then again, I'm only four years old.

If you can read this, then you dont need to worry about the English grades you got.

I was reading the paper this morning and shouting about how much I hate immigrants.
Then the exam invigilator said, "Oi, be quiet or I'll disqualify you."

My son Robert came home with a really impressive end of term school report this week.
Dean Fisher's parents must be very proud of him.

Today my teacher asked me "What would you bring if you were stuck on a desert island?"
I said "A plane would seem like a good idea."

As soon as I finished my GCSEs, I dropped English, Maths, all of the Sciences, Art, Geography and French....
... and the rest is history.

my teacher ether loves me or he's a peado.
he keeps putting kisses next to my work.

I left school at 12, and loved it.
All of the other schools didn't finish until 3:30

I was worried after being called into my hot science teacher's office, I had been drawing hearts on my work before handing it in to her.
I was upset at what she had to say. I thought I was doing everything right, but she said I had to change.
I was wrongly labelling the atria and ventricles.

Protractor; now that's a learning curve!

I was called in to my son's school the other day. The teacher showed me the graffiti he'd scrawled on another kid's jotter: "Ranjeev is a Paki and he stinks".
I was furious. "This is disgusting!", I shouted, "I won't allow any child of mine to write such things!".
So I took him home, sat him down, and explained why he should never use tautologies.

I work as a P.E teacher and I have to say the girls are very good at cross-country running.
But I will catch them someday.

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom had just started school.
A teacher commented to the boy that she couldn't believe he was already in Year One and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.
"Cartwheels, I think." he replied...

I remember as a kid I got Chlamydia, Pneumonia and Syphilis.
Needless to say, I came last at the Spelling Bee.

My first lecture was on at university today. The dean entered the lecture hall to introduce himself to our year and said, "Each of you, take a look at the person to your left, and take a look at the person to your right. According to statistics, one of them will fail to graduate this course."
...Thank god I skipped it.

Sky News reports "25 school pupils dead in blast"
Proof that truancy sometimes has advantages.

I was late for one of my lectures at university the other day. Upon walking in, the lecturer stopped and stared at me and said disdainfully, 'Come on then, go and sit with your friends'.
So I went back home.

I leave homework to the last day because I'll be older and therefore wiser!

Exam results are in, got a backwards 3 in English

Just got back from my son's school nativity play. Turns out that whilst polite applause is acceptable, wolf-whistling most definitely isn't.

A teacher in Hull was asking the pupils about what is missing in their hometown of Hull, one cheeky pupil suggested a brothel!
The more sensible answers would be, a sports centre, electricity and running water

I was always taught to think on my feet.
Which is why I could never sit exams.

How did the pen get across the river?
Biro'ing