There's a female teacher at school who's always telling jokes, but I never see the punchline coming.
That's Miss Direction for you.

Just got a letter from the exam board regarding my results. They congratulated me for being one of the top marks in the country.
I had to send it back though - my name's not Mark.

My son goes to school with a boy called Ryan O'Reilly. One day he came home and said, "Dad, you know Ryan O'Reilly? Well, his name is actually 'Ryan...O...Reilly'!"
"Uh, yeah," I said. "What did you think it was?"
"I've been calling him 'Rhino'."

ps3's comes back on online 2 days before all the GCSEs............good to know sony are trying to keep their target audience, fat, rejected, failures

I was lucky enough to receive my education after the end of corporal punishment in schools. My teachers never even raised a finger to me.
Mind you, I was at boarding school, so I got fisted a few times.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was known for wearing very, very short skirts and no underwear, and would deliberately drop pencils on the floor in front of us then bend down to pick them up again - giving us a good eyeful of, well... everything. Eventually the school heard about what was going on and fired him.

I've been suspended from school for another three days.
When my science teacher asked me what my favourite element was, karate chopping her and saying "Element of Surprise" was wrong.

I love going to the local primary school and watching the kids running and screaming.
That chainsaw was the best Christmas present ever.

My son started secondary school today, but he was worried when he heard the older kids flush the new starters heads down the toilet.
I said, "Don't take any notice son, that doesn't happen any more."
"Are you sure" he replied, "because I don't want it to happen to me."
"Yes I'm sure son, They have knives now."

Just had a maths lesson on means, medians, and modes.
It was average...

The standard of education in England is getting worse. Today my son came home from school and said "hey dad. I can spell the words HEAD and MASTER now.
"That's great son." I replied. "How did you learn them words?"
"They're above my name on the sign on my office door."

Summer holidays are great....
The 6 weeks where I can share a website with young school kids and not get reported.

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say yes thank you because drugs are expensive these days. Petrol is expensive as well, so if they offer you a lift anywhere, get in the car and enjoy the freebie.

Last week on Monday and Tuesday I had the best education I had ever had, I was beginning to wonder why they were teaching us so well.
Then Ofsted left.

My mate just dropped out of school.
5th floor window, poor guy didn't have a chance.

I used to think symmetry was really hard at school.
On reflection, it was easy.

My Son scored 0 in his math test at school.
"Son, if you don't score, how will you live up to your idol?"
"I already am living up to him."
"Really? Who is it?"
"Fernando Torres."

There are three things certain in life:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Every P.E. teacher has a little bit of paedophile in them.

Maths exam question
David, John and Steven have twenty coins. They decide to share them out between them.
David has two coins, John has two coins and Steven has sixteen.
Which one is the Jew?

Sitting in my exam, the question read;
In your own words describe the events leading up to the battle of little big horn.
I wrote,
Huber tan bod shabby shab. A Ropy pop Zin. A boo boo ah boo boo.

How are bras different to the school grading system?
There's nothing to brag about if you've got an A.

Teacher: If I have 10 cakes, and somebody asks for 2, how many do I have?
John: 10
Teacher: Ok, If I have 10 cakes, and somebody forcibly takes away 2, what do you have?
John: 10 cakes and a dead body.

For anyone who doesn't understand what all the fuss is about UCAS, just think of it as the student's version a company similar to Royal Mail: they take your money and then fail to deliver on the day you really need it.

I'm not actually sure which is worse.
On my application form for Hull university to study psychology, where it asked why I wanted to study psychology, I put as a joke, "To get inside a girl's head, so I can get inside their pants".
Or the fact that they accepted me and gave me books on hypnosis as suggested reading.

I dont know why everyone is complaining about going back to school.
Personally, I cant wait. And im 40 years old.