I don't trust photons.
They've all got multiple personality disorders

I met my archaeologist wife on an online dating site.
It's called carbondating.com

Scientists should use an internet tool to see if life exists on the newly discovered "twin planet".
Just use Google Kepler 22-b.

I was trying to post a joke about Neon.
I couldn't think of Ne...

BBC News: Higgs boson results cause flurry
So that's how McDonald's make them

Scientists say they have discovered the menstruation genes. As long as they are not washed with my clothes I don't mind.

Boost the atom economy, invest in bonds!

The search for the Higgs-Boson is like a cat, thinking it caught the red dot of a laser pointer.

Why could a black man have never theorised Newtons Theory of Gravitation?
They would have been killed when the coconut fell on their head.

I was bitterly disappointed yesterday when I found out the 'super moon' wasn't a people protecting lunar rock wearing fluorescent spandex and a cape.

My wife has decided that we need to stop experimenting in bed after things nearly got a bit messy last night.
She reckons my chemistry set could've spilled all over the sheets.

Prisoners have built a replica of the large hadron collider to try and break out of prison.
Police describe it as a real concern.

My biology teacher said to me
"Can you write me a short essay on what would happen to somebody if they had their sudoriferous glands removed?"
I said
"Yeah, no sweat."

Doctor: "The results have come back from the DNA test."
Mother: "And...?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid it's negative"
"I'm going to kill him!" replied the Proton

I was in a shop buying 'The Big Bang Theory' box set earlier, when a bloke in a black top with a white collar pushed in front of me in the queue.
I went mental and smashed his head in with the DVD's.
As he lay bleeding and moaning on the floor I said to him, "it's true what they say... the truth hurts, doesn't it vicar?"

Do you know what goes through me?
Neutrinos.

On my way to work this morning I was bombarded by neutrino particles and had to go to casualty
I'm still waiting to be seen

So after several attempts of the same experiment, I can safely say
Dolphins really aren't so smart on land.

I had a threesome last night with two physicists. It was really awkward.
They can't solve the three-body problem.

Invertebrates give in to pressure far too easily,
They've no backbone.

Do you think if astronauts go on the internet it says...
Meet singles in Low Earth Orbit.

As I lay beneath the stars taking hundreds of spectacular pictures I couldn't help but think...
I've just taken voyeurism to an all new level of low.

If they don't find the Higgs Boson soon I don't know how I am going to hold myself together.

My physics teacher decided to give me a tricky question.
He asked: "Why do we see lightening before we hear it?"
I replied: "Easy; this clearly shows that our eyes are in front of our ears."

I was doing a chemistry paper today and the question was "Why is NH3 important to humanity"
Apparently "to serve Mein Fuher and rid the world of Jews" i not on the mark scheme