I dropped my barometer earlier.
Just couldn't handle the pressure.

A physicist goes into an ice cream parlour and orders a sundae for himself and one for the stool sitting next to him, this goes on for a while until the owner actually asks the physicist what he's doing.
"I'm a physicist and quantum mechanics teaches us that its possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who will accept the ice cream offer and fall in love with me"
The owner says "Lots of beautiful women come in here every day, why don't you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you?"
The physicist responds "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"

I studied exothermic reactions before they were cool.

Science vs religion
In Religion, Buddha sits under a tree for 49 days and then realized that starving himself was a bad idea.
In Science, Isaac Newton sits under a tree for 49 seconds, an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity.
Science definitely won that one.

Scientists have discovered a noise just before the big bang.
It sounds something like:
"Oops!"

A combination of rotation and translation of an object with respect to a surface, such that the two are in contact with each other without sliding.
That's just how I roll.

So subatomic particles have gone faster than the speed of light, my theory of special relativity is wrong, and a core principle of Physics has been disproved.... What do I care, I'm dead - Albert Einstein, 2011

I thought I had all the angles covered but I still failed my Geometry exam.

So, the boffins working at the Large Hadron Collider are about to accelerate two Protons in opposite directions at nearly the speed of light and then cause them to smash into each other?
Surely with a budget approaching three billion euros they could have stretched to a couple of Ferraris?

After so many setbacks, I've finally built a perpetual motion bicycle.
Nothing's gonna stop me now!

Everyone at my work mocks me for being a nerd, but tomorrow I'm going to bring a lump of coal in and show them what I'm really made of.

BBC News: Thinkers have different brain
Yeah, it's called "male"

My mate asked me if I would explain rotational forces to him,
But I didnt want to torque about it

Biology. The only study in the world that thinks division and multiplication are the same thing.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

If the chemical symbol for water is H2O, is the symbol for ice H2O?

Was Einsteins theory good?
Relatively.

Its been announced that the world's 'lightest material' has been unveiled by US engineers.
Al Murray has been left wondering how they got the scripts for his shows.

Two neurones walk into a pub they were barred from only the other night
"You've got some nerve coming back here boys," says the Barman.

What do NASA scientists say instead of its not rocket science?
Maybe its not like trying to get a girlfriend

Scientists have announced today that they have manage to grow meat in a laboratory.... my meat regularly grows outside my local primary school but I don't feel the need to go to the papers.

A rabbit is sitting in the forest on a tree stump punching at the keys of a laptop. A fox walks past, stops and asks:
"What are you writing?"
"A scientific study of how rabbits eat foxes," says the rabbit.
"Whaaat?" says the fox. "You're crazy."
"Come with me," says the rabbit. "I'll show you something."
An hour later, the rabbit is sitting on the tree stump with his laptop again. A wolf walks past, stops and asks:
"What are you writing?"
"A scientific study of how rabbits eat wolves," says the rabbit.
"Whaaat?" says the wolf. "You're a nutcase."
"Come with me," says the rabbit. "I'll show you something."
An hour later, the rabbit is back on his stump with his laptop. A bear walks past, stops and asks:
"What are you writing?"
"A scientific study of how rabbits eat bears," says the rabbit.
"Whaaat?" says the bear. "You're off your head."
"Come with me," says the rabbit. "I'll show you something."
*****
A mound of wolf and fox bones is piled up outside a cave. Beside it, a lion is gnawing at the bloodied leg of a bear.
The moral of the story?
The accuracy of your scientific study is irrelevant if you're mates with the project manager.

Hydrogen, Helium...
I don't take these words lightly

I have a pair of UV goggles, while my friend has some Infra-Red Goggles.
We're just not on the same wavelength.

What did the quantum duck say to the anti field mouse?
Quark.