I went to buy shoes today.
I entered the shop. Saw shoes I liked. Got shoes in my size. Tried shoes. Liked shoes. Bought shoes. Left shop.
Entire process, 2 minutes 37 seconds.
Women take note

I knew there was something wrong with Lidl, when I spent more money on the plastic bags than the food.

Just saw this sign in a camping shop window,
This is the discount of our winter tent.

I've just told my girlfriend I'm taking her to a spa.
She's never been so excited about going shopping.

Wouldn't it be funny if ASDA lost the price comparison test on the 52nd week?

My wife and I went shopping to Tesco's, and as we were leaving her bag ripped open showering the contents all over the floor.
I would have helped, but not when it's her catheter.

I went into a second-hand shop the other day. I was looking through all of the films when I suddenly spotted Bambi for 20 whole English pounds.
I thought, "That's a little dear."

VAT cut to 15%, will the pound shop now be called the 98p shop?

I was just about to go to Waitrose to buy a pint of milk, but then I realised that I only had 40 on me.

I won 1000 to spend in Primark.
I bought 25 shirts, 14 pairs of trousers, 6 pairs of trainers, 18 T-shirts and 10 hats.
Now I'm not sure what to spend the remaining 920 on.

Just been sacked from Asda for doing the stock take wrong.
On the plus side, I have enough Oxo to last a lifetime.

Subway.
The only place where you'd actually be willing to pay a black man to give you 6 inches.

Due to my constant speeding, tailgating, shunting, violent outbursts and running the occasional child over.
My wife has insisted that she pushes the trolley next time we go to the supermarket.

Why is everyone making such a big deal about the crisis at Iceland.
Let's face it, if the worst comes to the worst I'm going to Tesco.

Went into a party shop earlier and was horrified at the prices of Balloons..
The rate of inflation on them is ridiculous.

I was outside Tesco yesterday when a woman came out with her arms full of shopping. Suddenly a big gust of wind blew her skirt up, showing she was not wearing any underwear.
Dropping all the bags in an attempt to cover herself up, she looked at me and angrily said, "you're certainly no gentleman"
"That's funny," I replied, "I was thinking exactly the same thing."

Aldi: Where the hourly wage is more than a weekly shop.

It's a real shame that after 100 years there will soon be no more Woolworth's.
Pick 'n Mix was great; where will children go now to learn how to shoplift?

Last year another 300,000 families fell below the poverty line.
This has prompted the opening of a further 45 Lidls across the UK.

In future I'm going to Sainsbury's to buy their own brand of condoms
Apparently you can really Taste The Difference.

I lost my grandad the other day. He's not dead, he's in Ikea.

Recently, I came in to some money.
I wonder if they'll still accept it at the shop?

TK Maxx have had to withdraw their promotion on coats this week
A spokesman said, "it's a shame, we could have made a killing on these..."

A man goes into a pet shop and sees a talking dog. After chatting to it for ten minutes he buys it. Later he goes into a pub and says, 'I bet everyone fifty bucks that this dog can talk.' A few people take the bet, but the dog remains silent and the man is forced to pay out. Puzzled, the man takes the dog home, where it starts chatting away again. Next day the man returns to the pub and bets everyone a hundred bucks that the dog can talk. To the man's amazement the dog remains silent. After paying out on his bets the man takes the dog outside and says, 'I'm taking you back to the shop. You're absolutely useless!' 'Wise up,' says the dog. 'Think of the odds we'll get tomorrow.'

I've given up buying CD's for life. I will only buy records from this day onwards.
And that's Vinyl.