News : 'Man Killed In Zip Wire Accident'.
That's what happens when you buy trousers from Primark.

So the Queen Vic has been burnt down, Won't be long until a Tesco Express pops up then.

Condoms, the only reason I use the self serve checkout.

They had a sale in my local butchers today, 2 rump steaks for 5. I asked "How much is one?"
"One is 3.50" said the butcher .
"OK, i'll have the other one" I replied.

I walked into a shop this morning and the sign clearly stated 'Open'.
Yet, on the way out, it said 'Closed'. Weird. Half an hour I stood there unsure of what to do, before I was led away by some kind people.

I wonder why "24/7" shops have locks on their doors.

I went into a dry cleaners today.
"How much for two suits?"
"25, sir."
"And do you do alterations?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good, can you make it 15?"

I was in a supermarket the other day and I saw a man and a woman wrapped up in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?"

I went to Morrison's to do some shopping, when I saw a sign saying: "The Cheaper The Better"
I thought that was a brilliant idea, and went to Asda instead.

I went into Tesco's earlier and brought 19.99 worth of shopping. I got to the till and paid with a 20 note.
"Sorry, I've got no pennies" said the cashier.
No change there then.

I was food shopping with my wife when I came across something that was utterly shocking.
"Look at this!" I said. "It contains 95% fat!"
"You're just pointing at me in a mirror," she replied.

I couldn't find the oxo cubes anywhere in our local shop today. They must have been out of stock.

How many people, when shopping with their missus, just spend the whole time eyeing up other women?
------
I usually insist on going to the kids department, 'for our son'.

Not even one word of apology from the burka-wearing muslim that clipped my ankle with a supermarket trolley.
So when she wasn't looking, I stuck some pork chops in with her shopping.
Wish I could have seen her face at the checkout.

In the battle for high street supremacy, asda and tesco have bought a full row of shops between them to turn into supermarkets leaving a tiny gap between them only big enough for a charity shop.
Still,i suppose there`s room for scope.
Subnote:
Americans please note that scope is a shop where people take unwanted items for resale to help charity.
It is not a thing used for looking at british soldiers with.

My favourite hobby is...Standing in ASDA's fresh produce section holding a tube of K-Y Jelly looking contemplative

I'd like to thank B&Q for being so helpful.
I picked up a sander by mistake and they sounded an alarm warning me 'this is not a drill'.

I've just bought a new aftershave called 'STALKER' for men.
It's very much like 'OBSESSION', but a bit stronger.

"Hiya there, my boyfriend has sent me in to get an oil filter for his car?"
"Ok no problem, what is it for?"
"Ermm.. its for the dirty black one just outside?"
"Ok, and what car has he got?"

Whenever I am suffering from low self esteem and think that life is not dealing me a fair hand, I like to go shopping in ASDA.
It never fails to cheer me up.

I have noticed that customer service in America is a lot better than in Europe. I think this is because American businesses uphold the fundamental belief that the customer is...
probably carrying a gun.

Harry Potter fans: you can experience the authentic thrill of wearing an invisibility cloak and being completely undetectable by simply walking into any branch of Jessops and trying to get served.

I'm in serious trouble. I got caught urinating in the shower this morning.
It seems they frown on that at B&Q.

What's really camp and hates blacks?
Millets.

Every supermarket you go into now has a self-service checkout with a member of staff helping people use it.