I Just went to a shoe shop and saw they had a special offer:
BUY ONE ,GET ONE FREE
Aren't all shoes sold that way?

Tesco's slogan should be 'unexpected item in bagging area'

I complained to DFS after a sofa I ordered was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.
They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

I've been done. Just been to DFS and bought a sofa.
Turns out it's their normal price month.

It's a dog-eat-dog world.
Especially when you buy your pet food at Lidl.

I ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today.
Just to see what it gets delivered in.

Sports Direct Closing Down Sale.
Fooling pikies since 2004.

Have you heard, Tesco are employing more midgets than any one else?
Every Little Helps

Tesco Self-Service Checkouts
Making shoplifting 'a mistake' since 2008.

What is the difference between Andy Carroll and a weeks worth of shopping at Waitrose?
About 40p.

A Tesco manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any more."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any of?"
"Poisonous spiders in the fruit department."

I went to Morocco on holiday. I visited one of the markets and bought a toilet roll holder.
Some call it extravagant, others slavery, but Mohammed loves his new job.

I find the saying 'you are what you eat' true.
My ex-missus shops at Lidl, for instance, and she's cheap, easy and you don't really want people to know you've been there.

I called the Shopping channel the other day and the girl who answered the phone asked if she could help.
I said, "No thanks, I'm just browsing."

I had a job in a supermarket once, handing out samples for people to try.
I got asked to leave though, after the "little cups of bleach" incident.

If I can buy shampoo at the shops, where can I buy real poo?

I'm very experienced in the bedroom department. I've worked at the one in Ikea for the last 20 years.

My wife was ill so I had to do the shopping for the first time ever. She said, "You'll need a shopping trolley. They're outside by the entrance. You have to put a pound in to release them."
I went to the entrance, put my pound in, and pushed it into the store.
I got some funny looks, but I enjoyed hearing Postman Pat's theme tune as I pushed his van round the shop.

I went down the local green grocers today and asked for three pounds of Potatoes.
The guy shook his head "Its kilo's nowadays mate"
"Oh, Three pounds of Kilos then please"

If I have four apples in my right hand and six in my left, why aren't I using a bag?

I bought a suppository from Ikea.
I had to put it up myself.

My wife hates me going shopping with her 'cause I always put stuff we don't need in the trolley.
Last time it was two teenage school girls.

Fun game: find a combination of two items that most freaks out the cashier.

I rang up the Home Shopping Network earlier.
They said, "Can I help you?"
To which I replied, "No thanks, I'm just looking."

Don't bother wasting money on subscribing to expensive adult web sites or calling 0898 phone numbers.
Just phone your local department store and ask them to describe their latest selection of ladies' lingerie, while masturbating furiously.