I went shopping today hoping to update my look.
The sales girl informed me that combat chic was the latest thing, pointing to a mannequin that was sporting the current fashion.
The boots are cute, I thought, but I just can't see myself in camouflage.

I'm releasing a new product this winter called 'Chocihot', its a chocolate bar designed to make you feel warm inside.
My slogan is going to be 'Chocihot kills!'
Lambert and Butler had the same idea and they are selling in the millions...

I went into my local music shop and asked for something that goes 'ping'.
'Ping?' The owner asked.
'You'll do!'

I've just been made redundant, gonna have to make some sacrifices and go back to Basics...
Yep, that's right, no more Taste the Difference for me!

Personally, I never buy anything off the black market. It never works and theres no way of sending it back.

I don't buy sure as the adverts sound too sarcastic.

I've just received an email to say that I've won a 1000 shopping spree in waitrose.
I'm so excited, I don't know whether to buy 3 loafs of bread or 6 pints of milk.

Argos;
The only thing it needs to sell to its customers is a New Gene Pool

I bought a TV aerial today and everyone in the shop starting to whoop, cheer and clap.
I got a great reception.

Waitrose.
The easy way to lose your money.

Tempo Clothing, "Sale Last Week!"
I thought, "Why are they telling me now?"

I cashed in my life savings today, just so Christmas could be extra special...
I had 42 quid on my Tesco club card.

Elizabeth Duke jewellery:
For the woman you DON'T love...

Does anyone ever buy items at full price from DFS?

Was shopping earlier when I noticed 'Andrex: Puppies on a roll.
That's the last time I ever shop at the Asian supermarket!

100 people surveyed said they all prefered fresh food to tinned
the coincidence was uncanny

"80" my girlfriend shouted, "you're only paying for a name."
"That is the point of the deed poll procedure" I replied.

I just saw a shop called Roger's Curtains - sounds like a store for peeping Toms.

A new Pound Store opened in my town today, everything is a pound.
Went in with a fiver and came out with three tills and 2 checkout girls. Result!

Just got back from the supermarket where the "JLM indestructible Floor Mops!!" were right next to the "JLM Replacement FLoor Mop Heads!!"...

i have noticed that all the cheap things in sainsburys are orange,
the eggs, the biscuits and of course the girls on the tills!!

Me: Is it in yet?
Girlfriend: No.
Me: What about now?
Girlfriend: No, uh, maybe we should try something else.
Me: One last try.
Girlfriend: No still not there.
And that good people is why you should never take your girlfriend shoe shopping

I work in a joke shop.
Or Lidl as they insist I call it.

I like my women how i like my clothes shop dummies.
Decapitated.

Ikea's new phrase is 'You dream it, we build it'. They are clearly relying on my dreams mostly being about cheap cupboards.