I was in Sainsbury's the other day when I saw a man with a grey mullet.
I said to him, "You look absolutely ridiculous."
"It's not my fault, I have to wear this." replied the fishmonger.

Why does Poundland have security guards?

Primark: A place for those too proud to shop in Oxfam yet too cheap to shop in New Look.

I sold some duct tape on eBay the other day. I got feedback from the buyer saying 'Great stuff! This will give me peace and quiet for quite a bit!"

The new boss at Tesco insists on only hiring midgets
He's taken the slogan a little too seriously

I heard a rumour that DFS have a Christmas sale on?

Irony - Attempting to purchase tobacco with healthy living coupons.

Went to PC World earlier...
Had to be careful of what I said...

Just opened a clothes shop with the lowest prices around.
I've been thanked by a few midgets for putting the cost signs on the floor.

Well thanks a lot for the suggestions guys... My wife suggested we look on Amazon for xmas pressies, only to see that it had stored the last items I viewed.... a balaclava, gaffa tape and a turkey baster!

Queueing in Tescos is a lot like dating in my town. You wait ages for the spastic dribblers to get out of your way and have your turn, only to have your wallet cleaned out, your goods shoved in some flimsy old bag which splits at the first sign of stress!

Its my mate's birthday tomorrow and he's got to spend the day on the Customer Service desk at Marks & Spencers. I wished him many happy returns.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house, is to buy a replacement.

I work for tesco and often go down to other supermarkets to see what they do which we don't.
I was walking down the road the other day when i saw in a newspaper: MAN EATEN BY SHARK IN ICELAND.
Well we don't have any sharks at Tesco...

They say in shops: "If you break it, then buy it."
Personally I prefer to leave it there and walk away slowly like nothing happened.

Me and the wife had a party for new years this year and i was in charge of the food, so i thought i'd do a buffet from different countries. So i got the hotdogs from America, pizzas from
Italy , noodles from China and the rest from Iceland!

To compensate for a staff shortage, Tesco now has an increased amount of disabled employees.
Every cripple helps!

Hoping my new groin aftershave catches on. Everyone buy 'Come To Me' & help me out. I was gonna call it 'Desire' but the missus sniffed it & said "It smells like Come To Me"

ITV News: 'Local shops in Birmingham are told to empty tills if broken into'
Thanks ITV, I'll be right back.

I love when you get into your taxi, with your six full to the brim Tesco bags and the driver asks, "Been shopping mate?"
No, no, I always just carry these around with me.

There's no need to go panic buying.
You can create panic absolutely free by dressing up as a Paki and wearing a rucksack on the London Underground.

In Tesco tonight my shopping was bagged up by a family of talking mice.
They're right - every Little helps.

A man walks into a butchers and asks, "Do you have a sheeps head?"
The butcher says, "No, it's just the way I comb my hair."

I was in Tesco's today queuing for the self service checkout. I couldn't believe it when the computer asked the black guy in front of me "have you swiped your clubcard?"
I'm not sure what was more surprising, the fact the computer knew he was black and therefore asked him whether he had stolen his clubcard...
Or the fact that he was actually paying for something

I can rob your supermarket without you knowing who I am.
Or your money back.....