I went into pound land and asked if everything really was a pound, the woman working there said, "yes." So I gave her a quid and asked for the cash register.

What does DFS stand for?
Daily Furniture Sale

I phoned my bank today and said, "I'd like to put a block on my credit card."
"No problem Sir," he said, "Was it lost or stolen?"
"Neither," I replied, "My wife has just gone out shopping."

Now Crufts is sponsored by DFS, is it on all year?

A man walks into a pet shop.
"I'll have a bee, please," asks the man, to which the owner of the shop replies, "Sorry, we don't sell bees."
The man replies, "Well, you've got one in your window."

I was in Dorothy Perkins with the wife earlier.
Always wanted to try a threesome.

I work in a tailors, today a man came in and insisted I sell him the material, tools and pattern for his outfit and refused to let me measure him and make it up for him.
I thought, suit yourself..

I got robbed in the corner shop today.
They even had the cheek to say 'Please'.
Preceded by '3.80 for the milk'.

I released a genie from a magic lamp and he granted me a wish.
I said, "I want to live forever."
The genie replied, "You can't wish for immortality."
"Okay," I said, "I want to to die when the DFS sale ends."

They've just opened up a Polish shop in town, now I'm no business expert but restricting yourself to selling just Mr. Sheen & Pledge is asking for trouble.

I love the 'you break it you buy it' rule.
I've always wanted a disabled Hamster.

Shoppers; save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You'll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.

Dfs - selling more seats than the House of Lords!

Sainsbury's told me today to 'Take an old bag shopping'
I'd love to but I try to keep her locked in the kitchen.

Whats the point in those Tescos self service check-outs, if you have to call a member of staff to put in their code for every other item?

I just walked past a Tesco's store with a sign in the window.. "No Food, No Drink, No Cigs, in this store"
Worst. Tesco. Ever.

I saw an offer on the net for '12 bottles of wine, 25% less'.
I thought cracking offer, I'll have that. It came today, 9 bottles...

I went to the chemist and asked, "Can I have a comb please?"
The bloke said, "Do you wanna steel one?"
"No," I replied, "I've got money."

What's the difference between winning the lottery and doing the weekly shop at Waitrose?
About a tenner.

This isn't just any closing down sale....
....this is an M&S closing down sale.

I went to check out the specials at asda today. I found them pushing trolleys in the car park.

I hate it when I am in a shop and I'm being served by a fat girl, it makes me feel so awkward.
I feel like I have to avoid looking at her in case she gets the wrong idea.

I get far too exited when I go to B&Q.
Just yesterday, I walked straight in and got wood.

Primark - keeping immigrants in work since 1969.

Sky news - 'Victims family release CCTV of fatal attack'
It's available now on Amazon, 4.99.