My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Judge Judy.
"OBJECTION", I screamed.

What goes: ... ker-click, click, whiff ... ker-click, click, whiff ...
Paralympic table tennis - blind category.

I seen a bank sign earlier that read 45.
But it didn't appear to be leaning that much to me.

I try to tell blind people that their seeing eye dogs don't love them the same way they do.
They keep leading them on.

This new magazine was turning me on so much. I couldn't help but let out a loud moan of pleasure as I shot my load all over the centre pages.
As I stood there, out of breath, and sweating heavily, I realised that I love my job in construction too much.
And, I'm never allowed back in Screwfix again.

Gloucestershire Royal Hospital has an almost 100% safety record - one of the highest in the country.
They would have had a 100% safety record except for that one incident when Richard Ashcroft was given an accidental overdose.

I walked into the newsagents with a giraffe this morning.
"You can't bring that thing in here!" screamed the cashier.
"The sign on the door says no dogs."

As a teacher I love the holidays I get, but I remember looking at the calendar last year thinking 'how am I going to fill six weeks?'
It was easier than I thought.
I used a felt tip.

I would give my right arm to have a right arm.

My girlfriend accused me of being shallow...
Who cares I got a 6 pack.

A new episode of The Muppet Show is going to be broadcast and it is full of nothing more than film and cinema reviews.
I sincerely hope they get rid of Kermode the Frog.

After My laser eye surgery, the doctor told me i'll be able to see in 20/20.
Just another 7 and a half years of these eye patches then.

When I'm bored and feeling down, I like to put my whole vodka collection in to a lift and press up....
It really raises my spirits.

The cops pulled me up so I wound down the window and said, "What seems to be the problem Officer?"
"You drove right past a 'Stop' sign," he replied
"I don't like to read when I'm driving."

When I was a young child I was randomly kidnapped and it has scarred me for life.
So I have decided that I am going to build a Time machine, Travel back in time and hide the younger version of myself away from ever being kidnapped.

The economic pressures in modern Britain have had a few positive outcomes. Help for Heroes, for example.
My housekeeper now accepts payment in miniature Cadbury's chocolate bars.

So the soldiers were brought in as extra security during the 17 days of the Olympics.
Does that mean that during the Paralympics we're going to be bringing all the Paratroopers in?

I opened a new shop selling sponge cakes but sadly the business wasn't doing well.
Customers said they could still taste some soap.

I'm loving my job selling Wind Tunnels.......
It's a breeze!

Up until a very late age, i would only pull a funny face for a few seconds, just in case the winds changed.

When I was younger, my Mr.Potato head would often pick fights with my other toys, but he never won.
You should have seen how many times he had his face rearranged.

I poured a can of soda on my wife's breast before sucking on them during foreplay.
It didn't help because they were still flat.

What's Buzz Aldrin's favorite sweet?
A Polo.

I invented giraffes by uppercutting horses.

cant wait to this day four weeks ago to watch back to the future.