Can't say I'm surprised by Chelsea bidding for Battersea.
Roman Abramovich has always said he wanted a European powerhouse!

A policeman pulled me over earlier,
he asked me if my car had been checked.
I told him no, it had always been yellow.....

Seven pirates and a parrot walk into Pizza Hut and the woman behind the counter says, "What can I get you?"
The parrot squawks, "Pizzas for eight, Pizzas for eight."

I don't trust gyms at all, if you can get fit and lose weight...
How come it's always packed with fat people?

After cooking my dinner last night I noticed that the final instruction was to 'Stand For 2 Minutes'
How stupid is that?
By the time I eventually sat down I'd nearly eaten it all.

Do you not hate it when you get an erection in the most unexpected places?
Take tonight for example. I had one, in my bed, with my wife.
How strange is that?!

After using the toilet for some time, I returned to the bedroom.
When you're broke and without a watch, you get to use weird alternatives.

I going to a speed reading course later.
The course starts at 19:00 and finishes at 19:05.

Saw a flying saucer today.
It appeared right after the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.

My girlfriend makes me solve esoteric maths problems whenever I am with her.
It's quite a complicated relationship.

There are very tense scenes at the World Speed Perm finals.
At the moment, it's two sets each.

"Don't crawl under our tree in a thunderstorm!" my old mum used to shout and she was right.
One day I broke her bonsai.

I decided to try kick boxing today.
Those gloves don't half make your feet sweat.

I've just opened a new 500sq ft. shoe shop.
I haven't sold any of them yet.

When my dad was a young bloke, he apparently didn't conduct himself very well.
Mind you, it was rather difficult seeing as he was a one man band.

Never cross a road on your own.
They know some real cycle paths.

A friend got into my car today.
"Come on mate" I said, "you know the rules. Put it on."
"I don't want to" he replied, "it's uncomfortable."
"That's not the point."
"Fine!" he shouted, putting on the leather Co-pilots hat.

There was a power outage at the department store I was in yesterday.
I was stuck on a escalator for hours.

Just watched 'never ending slide tackle by Sol Campbell' on You Tube.
The video is 13 seconds long.

a lot of people seem to forget their other 4 fingers when waving at me

I started laughing uncontrollably at work today.
A guy asked, "What's so funny?"
I said, "Oh, Hahahah just something my wife said during breakfast this morning."
"What did she say?" He asked.
To which I replied, "She said she thought that I was a bit slow."

I lost my Virginity the other day, and i rang around all my friends to tell them, and they all said i should ring the police! So i rang the police and told them, and they said i was wasting police time and could receive a fine!
My missus said thats the last time she lets me name any of our kids.

I've got one kid at school, and the other one is asleep, so I can actually watch something on TV that I want to watch for a change.
Five episodes of Balamory back to back.

My girlfriend said that my jokes never make any sense because I can't think up a punchline
Well that showed her!

I ordered some food in the pub last night, the barmaid said, "What table is it?"
I replied, "Oak I think."