You know when dumb girls get excited and flap their hands near their ears?
I've figured out what that is...
That's how you refill an airhead.

I drove my car into work today.
Now I owe my boss 5 desks, 4 computers and a new brick wall.

Can anybody help?
I need to think of another term for 'cash machine' and cant think of any atm.

My wife says she's leaving me because I can never think of anything to say.

I came home from work to find the wife having a good old spring clean...
I don't know why, it's not like anyone looks inside a mattress.

I kicked the kid from downstairs in the face as I thought he was spying on my wife.
Turns out he just got a new trampoline.

I went to a restaurant that served endangered species and ordered a Panda steak. The waiter asked,
"How would you like that sir?"
I said, "Rare."

Robbie Williams got a phone call from America's best female bodyguard earlier.
She offered him protection.

My mate died a while ago, and I was told to wear something dark to the funeral.
You should have seen their surprise when I turned up in a Batman costume.

Under instructions from my boss, I'm setting up my own home office.
The first thing I'm going to do is crack down on young offenders and sort out the immigration problem.

I was watching the game with my mate and was shouting, "Shoot! Shoot!... Why didn't he shoot?"
I shook my head, "You're just pretending that you like cricket aren't you?"

I found some cash in a bush tonight, so naturally I picked it out.
And thats why I am now barred from the strippers.

I was totally stumped when someone asked me what the word 'ham' would sound like without any vowels.
"hmmm" I thought to myself.

The lift was broken so I took the stairs
.....that'll teach 'em

After my career ended as a table tennis champion, I couldn't find a job.
Fortunately, the ground staff at Heathrow had an opening...
...I get planes parked faster than anybody else.

I went into the library to get a book on 'How to survive in the wild without toilet-roll' but someone had ripped all the pages out.

I saw a Clowns eye on the pavement today.
It was a big plus.

My boss came out into the office and said to me, "If you're going to fart, make sure you go to the toilet."
So on my next fart I followed through.

Me and my terminally ill son were in the bank when an armed robber burst in:
"Everyone on the floor now!" He shouted. We all followed his instructions...
Almost one hour had elapsed when I finally plucked up the courage to say; "My son hasn't had his medication, he could die within an hour if he doesn't get it"
"Give it him then" The robber sharply replied.
"I can't, it's at home" I sheepishly said.
"Call someone and tell them to bring it to the door then?" Came his reply.
"I wasn't suggesting that, I was going to say you might as well shoot him now"

I noticed on my bottle of shampoo the instructions 'lather, rinse, repeat.' Could somebody please tell me when I should stop, only i've been washing my hair for about three weeks now. Surely it must be clean.

I woke up to the sound of running water this morning.
He's the little Native American boy we've adopted

Glanced through a window today and thought i saw a sheep pole dancing.
On closer inspection it was a kebab shop!

I was talking to a woman in the pub last night when we suddenly got onto the subject of kids taking drugs.
"It's disgusting" I said. "Look at the young lad sitting down at the table next to us" I whispered,"He doesn't know whether he's coming or going. His eyes are all over the place, he's even foaming at the mouth. That's definitely a reaction to a dodgy ecstasy tablet."
"That's my son" she said, "He's got Cerebral Palsy."
"Well he should probably leave the drugs alone then."

I killed a huge mouse when I was on a family holiday last week.
It could talk and everything... That's the last time we're going to Disney Land.

My wife hates it when I sit down to have a wee.
Particularly in supermarkets.