I found two completly identical pairs of odd socks today, how unlucky is that?

Domestic violence.
Putting the 'woman' back into kitchen.

What Americans call a zucchini the British call a courgette. Where Americans have jelly, Britain has jam, Where Britain has jelly, America has jell-O. But most interesting of all is that Americans have the egg-plant, where as in Britain we get ours from chickens.

"Is my Dad here yet?" I asked entering the chippy. "He reckons you've great fish and chips and he's been coming here for months."
"I'm sorry, what's his name?" she replied.
"Oh it's Pete Smith but you won't know him." I said.
"But I thought you said he's been coming here for months?"
"I did! He set off from Lands End on the 2nd January and he's a very slow walker."

I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas station. The attendant spilled it. Why am I not surprised?

I tried some bear meat for the first time last night.
Didn't enjoy it though, it was gristly....

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Paddy is on the radio doing a live quiz, and the presenter asks
Paddy for 100, can you tell me, who was the first woman on earth?
Paddy is quiet for a couple of seconds, the he says
Gimme a clue!
'Go on then' says the DJ ' Think of an apple'
Thats easy' replies Paddy ' Granny Smith'

BBC News: Thousands of Pope tickets unsold
I should think so! Never even heard of their music...

What do we want?
Northern Irish accents.
When do we want them?
Noiy.

Gossiping is the new whispering.
So they tell me.

A seagull stole my sandwich today.
With a group of girls watching, I didn't want to look stupid, so I quickly chased after it.
"Big mistake," I thought, as I dived off the pier flapping my arms.

My fiancee divorced both her previous two husbands for being stupid.
Let's hope this is fourth time lucky.

For Sale :
A Blue Ford Focus
1 lady owner
1500 each or both for 2500.

I'd been stuck in the rush hour traffic for over an hour crawling very slowly.
To be honest I suppose I should have taken the car.

Whilst driving my new girlfriend home I said, "You know I really like you, why don't we pop down a dark lane and make love in the back seat?"
"Sounds good to me!" she giggled. "But I don't know what our mothers would ever say to it."
"OK," I said turning round, "Doreen, Mum, you don't mind getting in the front for a while?"

It amazes me how it's 2012 and we still can't get some colour photographs of the moon.

Before the race, my coach told me to run like I've never run before.
So I fell on the floor and started flailing my limbs in the air.

The girl I'm seeing at the moment has got some funny ideas in her head...
Like gluing the cat to the ceiling.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it.

I went out to a bar last night to try and pull women. I was unsuccessful (as usual) but one woman made a remark which I found particularly hurtful. Tossing and turning in bed later that night I replayed the event over and over again in my mind.
Five hours later I had come up with the perfect comeback, so I posted a joke on sickipedia about wiping the smug look off her face.

Me and my hypnotist wife have just split up after seven years of marriage. When i told her i was keeping the house, i expected all manner of trouble from her, but there wasnt any. Not one bit.
I dont need her anyway, im perfectly happy in my coop, scratching for corn.

I taped two bottles of Evian to the bottom of my feet today.
People looked on in astonishment as I walked on water.

My horse did well in his exam last week at school.
He got a neigh.

I managed to get my name in the Guinness Book of Records today.
I wrote it on the inside cover with a pen.