What do you call a paedophile on a bike?
Cycle Jackson.

If the theory of evolution was really true, wouldn't you think by now Ethiopian children could catch flies with their tongues like lizards?

Hosepipe ban for households.
Watercannons likely to be used by police.
All welcome to join the protest on my front lawn.

Head, shoulders, knees and toes. Knees and toes.
For people with extreme dandruff problems.

My job is really stressful, every day I have to deal with murderers, terrorists and rapists.
I'm starting to regret ever opening a balaclava shop.

"Dad, the boys at school have been calling me Girlie Boy."
"Why you letting them get to you son....is it that time of the month again?"

A friend hooked me up with a blind date last night.
I was waiting outside the station, and decided to give the woman I was meeting a call.
"Hey, where are you?" I asked.
"Just coming out of the station now." she replied.
"Oh, you can probably see me, I'm wearing a blue T-shirt." I told her.
"I can see two men in blue T-shirts, which one are you?" she asked.
My heart sank a little, and my expectations dropped, as I replied with a sigh...
"I'm the one on the phone."

My maths teacher once asked, "See how many times you can take 7 away from 700?"
I must have done it nearly a hundred times...
and still got 693 as the answer.

My wife and kids couldn't sleep last night because of the constant sound of police sirens and helicopters.
At 3am this morning she screamed something but I couldn't quite make out what she was saying through all the noise.
An hour later I turned around and saw her standing in the doorway clutching the hands of our crying children.
I reluctantly pressed pause on my Xbox and said, "I'm on the last level, happy now?"

You know youre a geek when you look at a CD cover and think, "I have that font."

I was performing stand up for everybody at the O2 in London yesterday, when the manager came over and said, "Excuse me sir, this is a phone shop, not a comedy club."

I got chucked out of the opera last night.
They don't like you joining in.

My new girlfriend is so demanding and she only yells at me when she needs something. Like, "I'm hungry!", "I need a drink!" or "Please let me go mister, I promise I won't tell anyone about this!"

Whilst outside a night club I overheard a bouncer saying that he would fight anybody for 200.
I said, "I'll give you a run for your money mate".
He said, "Come on then!"
I said, "Okay fatty, first one to the tree wins".

Ah! So that's what chloroform smells li...

I walked up to a girl in the club last night and said "Hey, babe you're like a garden shovel"
"Why?" she giggled, "Because you dig me?"
"No, because I'll probably keep you in my shed"

A policeman stopped me as I was running down the street last night and said, "Where are you off to?"
"I'm off to catch my train," I replied. "I'm late."
He said, "A man fitting your description has just been involved in a robbery. Do you mind if I search you?"
"Come on, mate," I pleaded. "My train is leaving in ten minutes."
He said, "It's up to you, we can do this now or at the station, your choice."
"The station," I replied, running off. "I'll meet you there."

I saw a sign the other day that said "Do not use the elevator in case of fire"
talk about paranoid

I crept into my 4 year old sons bedroom at 5am this morning. I quietly got onto his bed and then jumped up & down on him several times singing happy birthday.
He ended up with 3 broken ribs and a fractured pelvis.
That'll teach him for doing it to me on my birthday back in July.

Nose constantly running?
Feet smelling all the time?
Then you were probably built upside down.

I was on my way home from work, when the Mrs decide to ring.
''On your way home, pick something up for tea''
So, I bought her a kettle.

I went to my son's open day at his school this morning.
I couldn't believe that his English teacher was a Paki.
I had visions of walking to the playing fields and seeing Stephen Hawking teaching PE.

I do some bingo calling at the local care home every Sunday. My wife wanted to help out one week, so I let her have a go.
She picked out the first ball and shouted, "Oi!"
The old dears looked scared and confused, so I took the ball off my wife, turned it the right way up and said, "Cameron's den, number ten."

They say the imagination is unlimited?
Describe to me a completely new colour....

My dad gave me a riddle yesterday.
He said, "Now then Steven, I am my father's brother's daughter's only cousin. Who am I?"
That really confused me. I'm called Dave.