I don't know why people were giving me strange looks down at the beach just because I was wearing flip-flops.
My ears were cold.

My wife approached me today and said, "I'm leaving you"
I replied, "Actually, you are approaching me"

I've just bought a pack of Brownies at auction for 500 - nearly half the guide price.

I just got a letter through the post.
Another 25 days and I'll have the whole alphabet.

I don't know how we managed without the internet.
In the days before Wikipedia, I had to go to the actual library to carefully cut pages out of the Britannica and replace them with ones full of glaring factual inaccuracies.

Earlier in the week, I saw a sign saying, 'Tiredness can kill'.
I'm finding it very hard, but I haven't yawned in 4 days.

Why do girls with lovely blonde hair dye their roots black?

My mate got arrested at a football game last week and called me to arrange for bail.
I asked him,''On what grounds did they arrest you?''
He answered,''Old Trafford.''

I've recently started work as a mobile mechanic and drive around in a tow truck all day.
I don't know why I need a big truck, most of the time I just change the battery or wiggle the Sim card about.

I was at the gym this morning, and I spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat.
Tomorrow I might switch it on.

How do you make a vegetarian chilli?
Steal his coat.

I got home from work and there was a note on the kitchen table from my wife.
It read: 'Gone to see a Psychiatrist, your brussel sprouts on toast is in the washing machine.'

AOL News: Earthquake shakes England's south coast
Witness: "It felt as if a big lorry had gone by in a hurry, except we don't have lorries go through here."
How would he know then?

People say you shouldn't joke about 9/11 because of all the people who died.
Well, if any of the 3,000 affected want to complain they're welcome to.

It's unbelievable how easy kids exams are getting at school nowadays! My son came home and asked me to help with his mock exam paper. I decided to help him on the first question:
Question 1) Complete the following sequence: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.............
Answer) Once I caught a fish alive.
That should get him a few extra marks.

One thing I hate is unpredictable jokes.
Said the lion with horse legs.

I was at the bus station the other day when I saw a phone which said "Do not use for 999 calls".
"Great", I thought, "I only need to make 998".

I couldn't get my new Freeview receiver working today so I phoned the shop.
"Have you connected the box to your TV?" he asked.
"No," I replied, "I squashed it and put it for recycling."

Through a Greenpeace scheme, I've already adopted a whale, a dolphin and a monkey ...
I'm really not looking forward to the day I get them all together and break it to them who their real father is.

What do you get if you kill 100 ogres with a can of special brew?
Kicked out of Games Workshop.

Apparently I enjoy stating the obvious, which means I take pleasure in explaining things people have already observed.

I was just at my neighbours' house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly.
They came home.

If Baker Street was the first underground station, where would the trains have run to?

Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers.

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India.
I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.