I was staring down the barrel of a 45 when I thought,"I'm not so sure I'm pointing this thing in the right direction."

My mate has been really depressed lately because he's gone bald. I said to him, "Look on the bright side mate, you'll save an absolute fortune on not having a girlfriend ever again."

People round my area call me the village idiot.
The jokes on them though, I live in a town.

Okay, I know the order of the pedals is clutch - brake - accelerator, but how do I start this piano?

Note to all females.
If you leave your headband lying around, we will put it over our eyes and pretend to be Commander Geordi La Forge.

A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.

I took my three year old son to Tesco today.
As we approached the entrance he wanted to go on one of those rides, you know the ones, you put a pound in and watch them sit in it until they get bored.
Anyway, after a couple of minutes he eventually got bored, so I took him out of the trolley and got my pound back.

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

I went to see the doctor because I couldn't remember anything.
I thought it was amnesia.
Turns out I just have a really boring life.

Had a letter from the Job Centre asking me to attend an interview at the Benefit fraud department.
I thought that's a bit strange, because I didn't even apply for a job down there.

Second world war bomb found in wardrobe.
When did they find the first?

My boss called me to his office today, and said "You're fired."
I replied "No, YOU'RE fired!"
I've always believed in fighting fire with fire.

The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel balanced.
"You can do that, right?" I asked.
"Well, yeah," he said. "I've just never done one for a hamster before."

Self service check outs.
For teenagers who are afraid to buy condoms from a real person.

Old people:
Make your neighbours think you have died during the big freeze by not answering your door and leaving your decorations up until March.

TODAY
I was bored so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano."
You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.

There's nothing worse than hospital food.
Unless of course, you're in hospital.

Last time I did a vault, I ripped my leotard.
The rest of the gang don't think I'm cut out for bank robbery.

I went for a job in the Navy and the officer asked me, "Can you swim?"
"Why? Have you got no boats?" I replied.

As I stood in the pouring rain, shovel in hand in the dead of night I thought,
"This is a stupid time to be gardening."

What a perfect day to sit down on a bench and crack open a nice cold beer...
I got some funny looks from the other gym members though.

I Just switched my mobile to predictive text and I got one telling me I'm going to die in May 2016.

If I had a pound for every time I leave something unfinished,

Flying back from America the other day and they were showing some awful in flight movie.
It was so bad, six people walked out.

I called my wife today and said, "I bought that table you asked me to get from Ikea today."
She said, "Have you made it up?"
I said, "Yes... I forgot, I'll get it tomorrow."