A brunette, a redhead and a blonde do a survey. One of the questions is "How do you tell when you've had a really good night out?"
The brunette says "If I feel exhausted when I get home, then I know I've had a good night out."
The redhead says "If I feel hung over next morning, then I know I've had a good night out."
The blonde says "If I take off my knickers when I get home, then throw them at the wall and they stick there, then I know I've had a good night out."

Just bought a new wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden seats, wooden roof, wooden boot, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden engine, wouldn't start

I went to a job interview the other day at the Airport, when the interviewer asked me about my interests. I was glad I managed to give a good first impression.
"It says here in your interests that you like to walk the dog and that you also like to travel around the world!" he said. "I'm extremely impressed."
I absolutely love my yo-yo.

My family always said to me, when I was young, that I was going to be a success in life, be funny, get a good job, great wife and a big house.
Well, I proved them wrong

If Colonel Gaddafi has been in charge of Libya for 42 years, how come he's still only a colonel?
I reckon he's missed a trick there.

BBC News: Monkeys display 'self doubt'
Could be true, but at the end of the day I'm pretty sure I'm not a monkey.
Or am I...

A guest on Jeremy Kyle:
"You wouldn't care if I survived or lived!"
I swear they're getting smarter.

I want my last words to be "I'd rather die."

A little example of how silly some of us Irish are...
Waiting at a bus stop in Dublin, two girls beside me were having a conversation in our native but rarely used language, Irish.
Hearing this, another Dublin man walks past and tells them to "go back to your own bleedin' country!"
We've a lot to be proud of.

Derren Brown asked us to text in what they drew after looking at her eyes.
Josh in Nottingham wrote, 'I drew an eye'.
Well done my friend, well done.

Royal Mail workers vote in favour of holding a national strike, I say we all write a letter in to complain.

I was driving along the other day when I saw this sign .. 'Police Aware, witnesses required for fatal accident here on Sunday' ...
I just might turn up for that.

Last night I saw some bloke tie his dog to a post outside our local newsagents.
For a laugh, I thought it would be funny to swap his dog for a pink fluffy teddy.
You should've seen his face, he absolutely shat himself.
But not as much as my daughter, who woke up this morning cuddling a pit bull.

What's yellow and sits in the corner?
Naughty bulldozer.

I went out of business last week.
I ran a snack van in Bradford and I thought I would be on to a winner, but I just couldn't sell anything.
I mean, who doesn't like bacon rolls?

I am now down to my second last Biro, my penultimate pen, ultimately.

Very.co.uk: More gifts than 'you know who'.
Not surprising, Voldemort doesn't seem the Christmas type.

Had a prostate exam the other day. I am so happy.
I was starting to think I would die a virgin.

My wife said to me, "Put May the 14th in your diary",
Stupid cow, I went to and it was there already.

Our fuse box blew yesterday so my missus waited in for the guy to come and fix it.
Its all working now she said, when she phoned me. Ian did great job.
Ian? I said His names Jim.
Well thats funny, she replied, it said ELECTRIC IAN on his van.

The first rule of Paradox Club is you don't talk about Paradox Club.
The second rule of Paradox Club is you do talk about Paradox Club.

I don't like to brag but the hooligan that picked a fight with me down at the pub wound up with a broken nose and 2 fractured ribs
After the ambulance that was taking me to the hospital accidentally backed over her.

I made a good point at work today, and impressed my boss.
I love working at the arrow factory.

I've just seen a girls Facebook status saying, 'Only 32 more sleeps until Turkey, can't wait'.
I commented, 'Only 200 more sleeps until Turkey, can't wait'.
She wrote, 'Where abouts are you going? x'
I wrote, 'Not sure yet, probably just around my mums, she will probably come to me on boxing day x'

Final Fantasy XIII. Not final really then is it.