Being well-known for not taking things seriously, my dad couldn't help but give me his advice ahead of my first job interview in 3 years.
"Remember son, ensure you make a really good first impression."
Now, I'd normally open with my "Frank Spencer", but I'm wondering if it's a bit too obvious?

I went to an 80's retro disco with my friend last night and he said, "This is great, I'm having a ball."
I replied, "Well if you're having that then I'm having the DJ decks and his 7 inch vinyl collection."

I'm surprised at how many hot fat chicks there are.
None.

I don't drink.
Maybe that's why I'm so thirsty all the time.

I don't understand why Physicists say that it's impossible to produce anything faster than the speed of light.
I just recorded a video of my torch light and managed to fast forward it without any complications.

I've just been diagnosed with Alzheimers, but I always look on the bright side of life.
At least I get to meet new people every day.

I saw a fit bird on beach yesterday.
Nicked one of my chips and flew off before I knew it.

As cooking a microwavable meal last night, I looked on the pack as it kindly asked me to leave to stand for 1 minute,
Sadly I had to ignore it due to a lack of wheelchair user instructions.

bbc sport news: No transfer Rush, says Ferguson!
To be fair, you are a rock band!

My friend is a footballer who recently got an 8 match ban for tying an opponent to the crossbar with his boot laces.
He didn't like being suspended.

After mis-hearing the wife, I said: "Say that again, love?"
To which I got "As I said before, I never repeat myself."

If you can't blame a guy for trying, why are people arrested for attempted murder?

My son just said, "Dad, I've just invented a designer farm animal."
I said, "Son, I'm Prada Ewe."

My kids will never forget the first time I took them to see the pigs, the cows, and sheep.
"A farm, you mean" suggested my mate.
"No. A slaughter house".

My wife is so fat, she had to call the AA this morning to come and fix four flat tyres on her roller skates.

After jogging on the spot for 10 minutes I turned to my girlfriend and said....
"This just isn't working babe. Why don't you squeeze it with your fingers like normal people"

My son had been bullied recently, so I decided to teach him some self-defence moves.
Didn't help though. The School got quite shirty about him carrying a flick knife.

My wife just wasted a load of money on an expensive air conditioner in preparation for all the hot weather.
Bless her pretty little head, she's going to feel so stupid when I just turn the Thermostat down to a nice cool 15.

I walked out of Tesco and a guy collecting money said, "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?"
I said, "Yes. That's why I just went shopping."

My mate took up a miming job.
I haven't heard from him since.

I was sitting in the park watching some kids play football, when there was a big shout for a freekick.
"Did you see the large amount of dip on that ball?" I said to this bloke walking past.
But he just gave me a filthy look.
It was like he'd never seen anybody naked, eating hummus before.

My wife suggested we try a little role reversal in the bedroom.
I can't wait! Now it is her turn to wear the French maid dress and fishnet stockings.

Just found out that my dog could read after leaving him in the Veterinarian's waiting room.
The sign said, "Be back in 10 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

I had to report my colleagues for spending all of their time at work on Facebook.
"I've never been on there once!" I said proudly to my boss.
And that's when Mark Zuckerberg fired me.

My wife is complaining that I can't be trusted with money.
If she doesn't want a slice of my timeshare on the sun she's going the right way about it.